Gordy's Stag Holiday in Florida
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I woke up just before the alarm went off, so got up straight away, and jumped in the shower. I noticed that the spare room light was on - I hope Tom hadn't left it on all night! Tom jumped in after me, and I went downstairs to wake up Gordy, and make him tea (not wanting to need the toilet half-way along the M25, I didn't have tea). Gordy wanted me to turn my living room PC off while he was sleeping, so I had to turn it back on before we left, so that it would record the TV that I'd miss. Controversially, we left almost on time. Tom had a large hire car, so there was plenty of space. There wasn't much traffic, although there was more than there should have been at half-five in the morning! We arrived at Gatwick in good time. With plenty of time before his flight, Tom just dropped us off, and then went to fill the car with fuel, and return it to National Car Rental. We said goodbye, with Tom saying, "See you stateside". During the journey, Gordy had said that we'd have to pay for our beers with Delta. I wasn't very impressed with this idea!

The queue looked long, and didn't seem to be moving very fast. We couldn't see a fast-bag-drop counter, so just joined the queue. After a few minutes, I left Gordy keeping our space in the queue, and went to ask somebody whether there was a quicker queue. He said that there was, and that I should follow him. We did this, only to find that he was mistaken, so we ended up joining the back of the same queue again! This time, there was some pokey little kid who kept on kicking me. Another example of needing a clip around the ear. More annoyingly, its mother realised what it was doing, and just ignored it. Maybe it's the mother who needed a clip round the ear!

We eventually got to the front of the queue. Gordy was amazed that my bag weighed half of his, but I'll probably get half-way through the holiday, and realise that I'd forgotten something. After sorting everything out, the woman said, "What seats did you have before". I found the boarding cards that I'd printed out last night, and she said, "We've moved you. You've been upgraded.". We looked surprised, so she said, "Taylor and Dickson, isn't it?". "We'll be whoever you want us to be if we get upgraded!". When I'd checked in last night, there was a message saying that the flight was "overbooked", and that we could get compensation if we volunteered to catch a later flight. The compensation was for vouchers off a future flight, so we didn't bother. In the end, I was glad we didn't bother! Especially if this was likely to mean free beer!

Gordy had completely missed the conversation about being upgraded, so thought that getting seats 1A and 1B meant that there was no business class. I hoped that I was right, and he was wrong. Even if I was wrong. seats 1A and 1B would have more leg room. Getting through security didn't take long, but there were the usual idiots holding things up. As we got close to the front of the queue, Gordy told me that I needed to take the laptop out of the bag. Top man - I would have joined those annoying idiots if he hadn't told me that. I haven't travelled with a laptop for years, and one didn't need to take the laptop out of the bag back then.

Once we were airside, we checked the departure board, and it said "Go to gate 50" next to our flight. Having read that, I just said, "Time for breakfast". Gordy reluctantly agreed, but it took us a while to find somewhere to eat. We ended up in the Wetherspoon that Scary and I had started off our pub crawl two years ago. While we were waiting for breakfast, I quickly checked my e-mail. Nothing needed replying to urgently, so I left replying to them until I was on the plane. By the time we finished breakfast, the departure board had changed to saying "Final call". Gordy had suggested topping up my phone at a cash machine (my work mobile is a pre-pay one), so I went to do that, while Gordy went straight to the departure gate.

I couldn't find any options to top-up a mobile, so just went straight to the departure gate. There were announcements about our flight every minute as I was walking along, but I hadn't been called by name, and Gordy hadn't rung me, so I was sure that there was no hurry. I got to the departure gate, and was surprised to find that there was nobody queuing at all. After answering the usual questions, I got on the plane, and found Gordy sitting in the window seat in Business Class. Excellent! As soon as I put my laptop bag down on the seat, some Air Hostess totty offered me champagne or orange juice. Since it was before 08:00, I went for the OJ, and then sat down.

We were still allowed to use mobiles, so I called Vodafone to try to top up my phone. It was like pulling teeth, but the woman I spoke to eventually managed it. I couldn't believe that it could be that difficult to give a company money! While waiting for the courier yesterday, I'd checked that there was no barring on my phone for international calls, so that I wouldn't have the same problems that I had in Kazakhstan.

Once we'd taken off, and the fasten seat belt signs had been switched off, Gordy started playing with buttons on the arm of the seat. I realised that there were about ten buttons that are used to reposition the seat (including two master buttons - sleep and landing). It's a good job that I saw him doing this, I would have spent ages trying to move the seat back. [19/3/08 15:14 EDT to be continued..........]

[23/3/08 11:18 EDT continued.....] The service in Business Elite class was pretty good. I think it's the first time that I'd flown anything apart from Cattle Class. It wasn't Gordy's first time (ooh-err), and he reckoned that it wasn't as good as he'd experienced before. Sitting on the other side of the aisle from me was an Essex Girl wearing a tracksuit, and continuously showing her enormous pants when she bent over. It looks like Gordy and I weren't the only two people to be upgraded from Cattle Class! Every time I finished a bottle of water, a Trolley Dolly replaced it with a new one. During the flight, I ate, drank, updated my blog, replied to my work e-mails, and slept. I was impressed that it was possible to put the seat horizontal without annoying the person behind me. The air hostesses were pretty good - not even complaining when I asked for biscuits with my tea.

There was a strong wind blowing us along, and we actually arrived an hour early. Just as we were about to get off the plane, Gordy said, "Alert!", and went back to collect his passport! Being in seats 1A and 1B, we were the first people in the non-American queue line. Unfortunately, both of us had filled in the form wrongly, so he told us to stand to the side, and do it properly. I stood to the side, but Gordy joined the back of the queue again. Fortunately, the queue still wasn't that long, so I joined him in the queue, and we were allowed to proceed to the immigration desk. We both walked forward at the same time, and the immigration bloke said, "Are you together?". Not wanting him to think we were gay, Gordy quickly said, "We're travelling together, yes."

Having done fingerprint scanning in November, I didn't expect to have any problems. I amazed myself with my stupidity - I put my finger on the bit of tissue paper next to the scanner, instead of on the scanner! That was pretty stupid, even by my standards. By the time we'd been allowed into America, all the people from Cattle Class had got off, and the queue was enormous. We then had to collect our bags (thanks to Gordy for spotting mine), go through Customs, and then give our bags back to somebody to check through to Tampa. I've never been somewhere where my bags haven't been checked all the way through, but Gordy reckons it's common. [Update - I think I've never experienced it before, because I don't often fly on a domestic flight after I've flown an international flight].

With our flight arriving 4 hours early, I tried to persuade Gordy that we should get a taxi into New York, and go up the Statue of Liberty. When we saw how low the cloud was, we realised this would be a waste of time, so I suggested going to the New York Hooters instead. Gordy wasn't up for this either, so we tried to get on an earlier flight. Gordy strode off, past the checkouts that I said we should use, towards another group of checkouts. After waiting in the queue for about five minutes, Gordy decided he wanted to go to the first group of checkouts, because there was no queue! We walked back to those, and got to the front of the queue quite quickly. Ignoring me explaining that most of the checkouts were for bag-drop only, Gordy went to a bag-drop checkout, only to be told that he needed to go to another checkout. We went to the back of the queue again, and eventually got to talk to somebody who could help us.

Instead of simply saying, "We're booked on DA####, but would like to travel on an earlier flight", Gordy whittered on for ages, explaining where we'd come from, why we'd arrived early, and eventually asked whether we could travel on an earlier flight. Unfortunately, there wasn't an earlier flight, so the woman told us the new departure gate, pointed us in one direction to the departure gate, and another direction towards the food and drink area. We went towards the food and drink area, and I asked, "Is it OK for us to go out to get some food?". The bloke corrected me, and said, "Surely you mean, 'come in'?". Ignoring his earlier gimmering, Gordy just said, "Just leave all the talking to me". We then had to go through security. Remembering that I had to take my laptop out of its bag, I did this, and put all my things on the conveyor belt. I walked through the scanner, and waited for my things to come out. The woman viewing the scanner said "Who has a laptop?". I told her that I did. "Is it in a bag?", she asked. "No, it's out of the bag.", I replied. "Did you put it on top of the bag?", she asked. Ooops!

After eventually getting through security, we went off in search of a bar. The bar we found looked exactly the same as the one in Newark Airport, and charged similar prices ($8 per pint). I'd forgotten to bring any dollars with me, so ran off to find a cash machine. I wasn't impressed to find that it charged $1.75 commission, but had little choice. I went back to the bar, ordered the beers, and then sat down to check my e-mails, and wait for Gordy. I was impressed to find that my PC connected through my mobile phone without having to change any settings at all. For some reason, my Vodafone work phone wouldn't let me call my voicemail, so I used my Orange personal phone, which I knew would let me make phone calls. Fortunately, my customers had been well behaved, and I only had three voicemail messages, and half-a-dozen e-mails. I really don't know why my Vodafone work phone then let me call the customers that left messages, but wouldn't let me call my voicemail. The airport was a bit pants, and the Prof took delight in telling me that he was in Hooters with Alex. I also got a text message from Andrea telling me that she keeps thinking of me whenever she sees signs to Now69.

Gordy wanted to leave the bar, because the intermittent music was beginning to annoy him. As we were walking out, some top totty (who looked like Jess Griffin) walked in. We found a spot to sit, and Gordy wasn't impressed to find out that the intermittent music was playing in the whole area, not just the bar. He settled down to watch an episode of Scrubs on his iPod, as I updated my blog (seeing somebody giggling away to something on an iPod really amused me). After a while, I decided it was time for another beer, so I went back to the bar. I was tempted to join the Jess Griffin totty, but she was drinking a strange-looking cocktail, so I decided against it. I finished my beer, and continued updating my blog. Once I'd finished my beer, I went for a quick jimmy, and found a cash machine that didn't seem to charge, until I read the small notice that said, "This ATM may charge a fee", so I didn't use that. I wish I'd realised that the previous machine charged a fixed fee, and not a percentage. If I'd realised this, I would have taken more than $20 out. When I dried my hands after using the toilet, I was scared to discover that the paper towels were dispensed automatically!

As we were walking to the departure gate, we heard an announcement saying that all Delta flights were delayed due to bad weather on the east coast. Fortunately, this didn't seem to apply to our flight, and I hoped that it wouldn't apply to Tom's either. Gordy likes window seats, and I prefer aisle seats. We both had aisle seats on this flight, with me sitting two rows behind Gordy. Just as I was making myself comfortable, two women arrived, and started whinging that they weren't sitting together. I realised that not sitting together wouldn't stop them chatting away, so, in the interest of being able to sleep, I offered to change seats, so that they could sit together. I therefore joined a bloke and his kid on the row behind. I said that I wanted an aisle seat, but the bloke asked me to sit by the window, because his son was feeling ill. Not only did I have to sit by the window, but the bloke was a smoker. [23/3/08 12:20 EDT to be continued.....]

[23/3/08 13:03 EDT continued......] Whenever I got out of my seat during the flight, the bloke sighed lots, and made a big deal out of it. Well, if he didn't want to move, then he should have let me have the aisle seat. The fasten seat belts sign was lit for most of the flight, so I didn't get to annoy him too much. Instead of doing this, I started talking to his kid, across him. Not being a big fan of children, this was quite unlike me, but it seemed to annoy the bloke! I was going to suggest to Gordy that we swap seats, so that he could have a window seat, but he seemed too comfortable to disturb. Unlike the previous flight, we were in Cattle Class, and almost at the back of the plane. We had to wait ages for the gimmers in front to start moving, but we got there eventually. I got two text messages - one from Tom saying that he'd be an hour late, and one from the Prof saying that he was on his way. We caught the shuttle to the main part of Tampa airport, and the Prof was there waiting for us.

Tom still hadn't left Philadelphia, so we went to the WingHouse for beer, wings, and perving. The totty serving us was very sexy and friendly, but there weren't enough scantily clad waitresses for my liking. Not only that, but a bloke served our food to us. I looked at the bloke, and said, "You appear to be somewhat lacking in nice legs and big boobs". Fortunately, he thought this was amusing. The Prof had thought we should move on to Hooters, to check out the competition, but we didn't quite get there. Tom's flight eventually took off at about half-nine. We went back to the airport, and propped up the TFI Fridays bar (Tampa airport seemed a bit nicer than JFK). It was a good job we had our passports with us, because we had to prove that we were over 21. Tom's flight eventually arrived at about 00:40, and his luggage arrived at about 01:20.

The Prof had woken up at 04:00, and visited a customer, and still had an hour to drive until we got back to his gaff. Top marks to the Prof for collecting us all from the airport, when I'm sure that he just wanted to go to bed. Gordy and I snored most of the way back to the Prof's house, but Tom decided he should stay awake, since it had been him that we'd had to wait ages for.

Thursday - Shooting

We were supposed to be meeting Alex at about ten o'clock to go shooting, but, despite some stupid old gimmer's alarm clock going off at five o'clock, we didn't quite get up in time. I had a few voicemail messages and e-mails to reply to, but my customers were continuing to be well-behaved, and were avoiding contacting me while I was on holiday. If only I didn't have to work while I was holiday at all. Yet again, my Vodafone phone didn't work, but my Orange one did. What is wrong with Vodafone? Not long after we woke up, Gordy wedged the toilet, so Prof had to go out to buy a plunger.

Anyway, we ended up leaving at about midday, to get breakfast on the way. Alex was waiting, ready to leave, so we just picked up a MacDonald's on the way. Gordy and Tom had strawberry milkshakes. Gordy asked whether he could pay a bit more for the meal, and have a milkshake instead of a Coke®. The bloke said he could, but it turned out that the extra was simply the cost of the milkshake! Anyway, Alex and Grant were waiting for us. I'd met Alex when I visited Florida before, but had never met Grant before. He was supping a beer when we arrived, but soon finished it before driving to the shooting range.

I had a bit of a headache, but hoped that the fresh air at the shooting range would sort me out. I wasn't sure how much I'd enjoy the shooting, and fully expected to be pants. The MacDonald's Coke® helped my headache a bit, but it soon disappeared once we were outside. We started off firing .22 guns, and then tried a few larger ones. One of the larger guns had quite a back-kick to it, and the scope caught Gordy on the forehead when he fired it. A combination of ice, tissue paper, and a plaster stopped it bleeding. I decided not to try firing that gun! Towards the end of the day, Gordy, Tom, and I had a "shoot-off" (the Prof was sleeping in the car). Although I didn't win, I was amazed how well I actually did. We finished off the day shooting shot-guns at bottles of water. This last bit was fun, but I found it a bit too scary to really enjoy it.

[24/3/08 13:18 EDT continued] There was a fair bit of traffic on the way back to Alex and Judy's, and we were amazed to see a mobile home towing a Hummer as a "little" run-around. Before going to Alex and Judy's house, we stopped of at a shop, so that Gordy could buy some butterfly stitches to mend his forehead. While Tom and I were waiting in the car, I got a text message from Gimmer telling me that it was going to be cold in England this weekend (apparently snow was forecast, and it was going to be colder than it was at Christmas). The weather in Florida wasn't as good as normal (according to the Prof, it's "unusual"), but at least it was better than in England. At Alex and Judy's house, we were pleased to see that they had a "kegerator", a pool table, a dart-board, and a small swimming pool. They also had two reetired greyhounds. Judy had made a lasagne, but had problems warming it up again, because the thermometer on the oven had reset itself when they lost power overnight. Once they'd sorted out the thermometer, everything was OK. I don't often eat lasagne, but it is one of my favourite meals, and Judy's was no exception. At some point during the evening, I looked out of the front window, and saw some top totty walking past. I was even more pleased when she opened the front door, and walked in. Judy's daughter was top totty!

After several more beers from the kegerator, it was time to call it a night, and head back to the Prof's gaff. We got back to find that the hot tub had sprung a leak. Not wanting to be woken up at five o'clock again, I made sure that I'd turned off my alarm clock this morning.

Friday - Kennedy Space Center

We had planned to go to the Kennedy Space Center today, but it looked like such a lovely day outside, it seemed such a shame to spend about seven hours inside a car, driving to and from the KSC, so we decided to stay in and around Sarasota, and make the most of the good weather. [24/3/08 13:53 EDT to be continued.....]

[24/3/08 15:24 EDT continued.....] First things first, we had to have breakfast. Gordy had mentioned that "grits" were really horrible, but Nick liked them. Tom and I didn't expect to like them, but had to try them just once. They looked like porridge, but tasted horrible. I'm glad we only ordered one portion between us. Gordy wanted to buy some jeans for Emma. Emma had given him the exact make and size of Levis jeans that she wanted, so he couldn't go wrong. I didn't want to buy clothes, but was considering buying an iPod Touch. I checked out the prices on before leaving Prof.'s house, so I knew roughly how much I would pay in England, and also how much prices from are. We went to a large electrical shop - there was plenty of tempting stuff to buy, but the iPod Touches were only about $20 cheaper than on Adding on UK import duty meant that they were actually more expensive in America than they were in Britain.

We then went to a shopping mall, so that Gordy could buy some jeans for Emma. I found the iPod Touch on sale in a few shops, but they were all more expensive than the first. I almost bought a light sabre, but managed to resist temptation. A mobile-phone cellphone salesman tried to sell me a phone with a good value contract. I wondered how much of his time I could waste, but I soon got bored, so went off in search of Tom and Gordy. I found Tom, but Gordy was still looking for jeans. There was one final shop that Tom wanted to look in, so I waited outside with the other old gimmers! When we met up with Gordy, he wanted to check out this shop as well, so I just found a comfy seat, and perved at all the totty walking past. Gordy managed to buy himself some jeans, but couldn't find any for Emma. He'll be in trouble.

We hadn't spent much of the day doing things outside, so decided to make the most of the good weather buy sitting outside at Hooters. Gordy, Prof, and I got the good perving seats, leaving Tom looking at the car park. Tom did get one good perving opportunity in when two girls in bikinis arrived. They went into Hooters for a drink, but put on T-shirts before we got to perve properly. We had a few pitchers of beer, and some chicken wings (hot and naked) to keep us going. I tried talking to Gordy, but a Hooters girl was bending forward on the table next to us, and he was just sitting staring right down her top, unable to even listen to what anybody else was saying! Don't worry, we won't tell Emma.

After our outside adventure, we went back to Prof's gaff. Once we'd got settled, Prof and Gordy went off to collect Emma from Prof's parents' house, while Tom and I stayed behind, and put the world to rights. After a while, we heard a knock on the garage door. Prof had mentioned that his mate would be fixing the fridge, so when I opened the door, and saw somebody looking at the fridge, I introduced myself, and then left him to it. He did confuse me slightly by calling Prof "Bones", but assumed it was a Star Trek reference.

Prof, Gordy, and Emma arrived after a while. The Prof said that Eric was the mate who was fixing the fridge, and introduced me to Emma and Marell. Emma is a lovely little girl, and I amazed myself by coping very well with a young child, and even managing to catch a ball that she threw to me. Prof got the BBQ going, and we had some chicken breasts to go with the fairly strong gin &. tonics that Tom was making for himself and Gordy. After a few hours of playing with Emma, Prof took her back to his parents' house, and Eric and Marell took us to the Sarasota Brewing Company. After all the riding around in Prof's truck, it was a nice change to actually travel around in a car. We ordered the first beers on the menu (Sarasota Gold), and chatted to Eric and Marell, while waiting for Prof to arrive. We didn't wait too long, and he arrived, putting three Sarasota Brewing Company mugs on the table. Top man - we each had a Gordie's Stag Do mug. I impressed Gordy by telling the waking Gordy up story.

Prof's sister and her boyfriend joined us for a while, so I had to tell the waking Gordy up story again. Oh how he loved me! Tom and I had intended to have a pint of each of the six beers, but our plans changed somewhat when we realised that we'd be drinking litres, and that all of the beers were 5% or over. Tom and I finished off the evening on the 8% beer, but Gordy had the Sarasota Gold. Eric and Marell were going to take us out on their boat tomorrow, so we bought their drinks for the evening.

With Emma's baby-seat in the truck, there wasn't as much room as before, so Gordy and Tom travelled in the boot. The Prof hadn't expected Gordy to stand up and start surfing as we were driving along! [24/3/08 16:13 EDT to be continued.......]

[24/3/08 22:16 GMT continued] Back at Prof.'s gaff, I remembered seeing an interesting site in his recently entered URLs, and suggested that we look at Prof looked surprised, and said, "How did you know about that?". I explained, and he explained that it was a website made by a friend's daughter. We had a quick look, and then Gordy and Tom decided to look at (a website that Gordy had found looking at gay magazines on Scary's 30th birthday). [Note - Gordy has asked me to make it clear that he doesn't frequent these kind of sites.]

Saturday - Boat Trip

We were supposed to be meeting Eric and Marell at 9AM, but, as usual, we didn't quite make it in time. Still, at least Gordy didn't wedge the toilet this time! After loading the cooler into the back of Prof's truck, we set off. It didn't take that long to get to the marina. Prof stopped close to the jetty, so that we could unload our stuff, gave us directions, told us the code, and then went off to park. We got to the first jetty, and I stopped, because I thought he'd said the first jetty. Tom thought he'd said the last jetty. Gordy didn't have a clue. We therefore waited for Prof to come back. When he did, Gordy blamed our indecision on me - the cheek of it! After getting some ice, we went through the gate to the first jetty, and found the boat. I managed to avoid having to do anything with the ropes, and we set off. Not long after we set off, Prof started on the beer, and Gordy went to sleep.

It really wasn't the nicest day to be out on the ocean, but it was a lot nicer than most days that we go diving in Britain. Prof had been pimping us out to scrub the bottom of the boat out, but we didn't actually find anywhere calm enough to bother anchoring, so there was no bottom scrubbing to be done. While Gordy was asleep, two dolphins came alongside, and swam with us for a bit. I was sure that they would go by the time he woke up, and came up on deck, so decided to leave him sleeping. Marell had kindly made some wraps for lunch, which stopped the Prof drinking on an empty stomach. Unfortunately, when we got back to land, I didn't manage to avoid any rope action, although Tom managed it quite well by going up top. We intended to go to Hooters and the Brewing Company later, so asked Eric and Marell along, so that we could buy them more beer.

We went back to Prof's gaff via his work, so that he could take some o-rings to fix his hot tub. There was a sign that said "Spare's", but I wasn't sure whether I'd be allowed to take pictures, so didn't bother. We did a bit more shopping on the way to Prof's parents' place. Gordy still didn't find any jeans for Emma, and I didn't find anywhere to buy an iPod. I did however, find some young totty serving smoothies, so I got the first smoothy made by their new smoothy machine. Having been to Home Depot, the Prof collected us, and we went to collect Emma. Gordy had told us that there were some pictures of a young Prof, so we went inside. We were amused to see that he looked like Mark Vowles! Back at Prof's gaff, he fixed the hot tub. Once it was warm, we got in. Tom drinking G&T, Gordy drinking Jack & Coke®, and me drinking tea.

Before we went to Hooters, Prof dropped Emma back at his parents' place. Marell had to work tomorrow, so she and Eric didn't join us. Having missed out on yesterday's drinking because he passed out before we even started, Alex was going to join us no matter what, so Alex, Judy, and Grant joined us at Hooters. Alex was fairly well cut already, but carried on drinking. Having not been out with us last night, they hadn't heard the waking Gordy up story, so I had to tell it for a third time! I also told the story about the totty salesbird coming onto me when Prof and I went to Key West. After having our fill of wings, and several pitchers, we left Hooters to go to the Sarasota Brewing Company. We'd left our mugs there last night, so had to go back to collect them. Fortunately, I'd got Tom to write down the numbers, so it should have been easy to ask for them. Unfortunately, we left Gordy in charge of ordering them, which ended up being really confusing. I wouldn't have thought that saying three four-digit numbers would have been so confusing, but he managed it!

Prof's Beer MugAfter the first round of beers, Gordy decided to stop drinking beer, and go back onto JD and Coke®. Tom and I continued with the beers. I was really impressed by the automatic towel dispenser, so took a video of it when I went to the toilet restroom. It was a good job that nobody walked in while I was taking it. Talk about Billy No Mates! Gordy started talking to some locals, who told him that all the terrorist problems were due to Britain giving passports to the Indians and Chinese that we used to rule as part of the British Empire. I'm so glad that I didn't get involved in the conversation. Gordy didn't cope very well with their ignorance, and I think I would have coped even less well. We had another excellent evening. I remember Grant telling me that the Microsoft Zoom Zune is better than the iPod. Unfortunately, I can't remember exactly why he said this, but I do remember that the things that he mentioned had been improved in the latest version of the iPod Touch.

Back at home, Prof, Tom, and Gordy went to bed fairly quickly, so I went to floss and brush my teeth. When I got out of the bathroom, Gordy was nowhere to be seen. I woke up Tom, but he just said, "Don't bother about him", and went back to sleep. I looked around for Gordy (including checking he hadn't curled up with Prof), but couldn't find him. I woke up Tom again, and made him stay awake while I went outside to find Gordy. I eventually found him sitting in the grass outside the front of the house, feeling rather ill. He assured me that he was OK, so I went back inside. Tom went straight back to sleep, but, being a nice lad, I stayed awake until Gordy had come back inside.

Sunday - Easter With Alex and Judy

Tom, Prof, and I woke up at a reasonable time, but Gordy carried on sleeping (so that I could take my daily picture of him asleep on the sofa). After getting out of the shower, I put on a clean T-shirt, and realised that it was the one that I'd worn when the woman had come onto me in Key West! After cooking us breakfast, the Prof went off to spend time with Emma and his parents, and left Tom reading his book, Gordy sleeping all morning, and me drinking tea, and updating my blog. We were due at Alex and Judy's at two o'clock, and he got back at about half-one. We weren't actually going to eat until four o'clock, so had time to nip down to the beech beach quickly (apparently, Alex and Judy never expect the Prof to arrive on time). On the way there, I got a text message from Emma - "Hello! Hope you guys are still having fun. Can someone e-mail/ text me steve's address so i can send a wedding invite. Thanks- and give gord a big kiss from me!". I replied to her text message, but can't remember exactly what I said. Her reply simply said "But whats the address!" I spent the rest of the day trying to kiss Gordy, but, despite Emma's lack of an apostrophe, I sent her Prof's address.

Unfortunately, it was impossible to find anywhere to park, but he did get to perve at a fair bit of totty in bikinis walking across the car park. Unable to find anywhere to park, we went to Alex and Judy's house. We didn't have Emma with us, because their German friends would be there, and the girls would want to play in the pool, and it was too cold for Emma. [to be continued.....]

[continued.....] Yet again, Alex and Judy made us very welcome. Grant was also there, but Judy's totty daughter was nowhere to be seen. Oh well, she did say she'd arrive sometime during the day. Not long after we settled down by the pool, the Germans arrived ("don't mention the war"). The girls disappeared fairly quickly, and the parents joined us at the table. Not long afterwards, the girls reappeared, and jumped in the pool. Wow! I had no idea how old the older one was, and I was sure that I shouldn't be looking, but she had an enormous pair of breasts, and wasn't wearing very much in the way of a bikini. Fortunately, I had my back to the pool, so didn't feel too much of a perve!

Gordy and Tom started playing pool. I watched them for a bit, but decided not to get involved with anything that involved dexterity, so joined the others outside. Chatting to the father, we started talking about diving. Prof mentioned that there are lots of wrecks along England's south coast ("including lots from both world wars"). I said that the diving in Scapa was brilliant, but how was I going to explain what the diving is without mentioning the war (the Prof mentioned it once, but I think he got away with it!). Before dinner, Judy's younger son brought out a really powerful spud gun that Alex and he had made. Alex had mentioned this to us yesterday - when they first tried it, it made a hole in the roof, and set a car alarm off! We all stood a distance away as he fired it again - it was pretty impressive!

Then it was time for lunch (with Judy's totty daughter arriving, so I was happy). Judy's oven was working fine today, and she had prepared yet another gorgeous lunch. The possible jailbait totty looked far younger once she'd covered up, and both girls seemed very well behaved (I'm getting really worried my tolerance, I'll have to find something to complain about). I'm not sure where she got this idea from, but Judy seemed to think that I'm good at darts, and reckoned that I should play Grant. I kept trying to persuade her that I'm no good, but she didn't believe me. Anyway, I was up for a giggle, so agreed. I realised that it would end in tears, when Grant got his own set of darts out! Anyway, with Alex being my cheerleader (no costume please!), I didn't lose as badly as I thought I would. The rules we played involved getting each number from 15 onwards (plus the bull) three times, with doubles and triples counting as they normally would. Prof had gone to collect Emma, which meant that I had to be a bit careful when playing darts - I didn't want to hit her!

After Grant beat me, Alex joined in, and all three of us played. It got very very close towards the end, and, believe it, or not, I actually won. I decided playing another game would be a bad idea, so we went to join Tom and Gordy playing pool. Alex said "Did you see the rack on that 14-year-old? I felt like a right perve looking!". Well, at least I wasn't the only one looking. Tom and Gordy had already quietly discussed how old she is, and they were sitting opposite me, so found it very difficult not to look! Anyway, enough said about this the better!

Alex didn't seem very impressed that I'd won at darts. If I remember rightly, he said, "Grant. What's happened? We've been beaten by a foreigner called 'No Mates'!". Oh dear, there might have to be a rematch sometime. Towards the end of the afternoon, it was time to drop Emma off at Prof's parents, and head back down to the beach for a few beers. It wasn't that difficult to find a parking place, and there seemed to be lots of totty walking around not wearing much! Sounds good to me. The first bar that we went into was quite noisy, but had a good view of the totty, and served scary looking cocktails. Tom and Gordy ordered the scary cocktails, but the Prof. and I stuck to beer.

We then nipped across the road to the bar opposite, and the bouncers wouldn't let us in until we'd proved that we're over 21. Fortunately, we were all prepared, and were able to prove our age. Prof. and I were feeling a bit hungry, so we ordered some wings to go with the beers. There wasn't as much totty in this bar, but we had an outside table, so could perve at the totty walking along the street sidewalk. Some top totty sat down on the table next to us, and was joined by two others. The third one to arrive spent longer kissing the first one than is natural - excellent! I decided not to use TottyCam though!

We then went back to Prof's truck, and drove further down the coast to another bar. Alex had obviously continued drinking at home, because he was hassling the Prof by text message all the time - I think the final text message said, "Tell No Mates. Sometime. Somewhere. There will be a rematch". The totty barmaid had the shortest shorts I had seen in ages (I think they were even shorter than those in Hooters), so I was happy. We ordered our beers, found a table, and then sat down. Unfortunately, the bar doesn't serve food, so people were allowed to smoke inside. My only other complaint was that the power towel dispenser was a manual one, so I actually had to pull the towel myself. Just as we emptied our glasses, I felt somebody put their hands on my shoulders. I turned around, and saw that it was the barmaid, seeing whether we wanted more drinks. Seeing my surprise, she said, "Sorry, did I startle you", as she started rubbing my shoulders, and pressing against my back. Was the pulling T-shirt working again? Anyway, after a few more beers, it was time to head back to Prof's gaff. Gordy wasn't going to let us get him drunk, and he really wanted to wake up early tomorrow, so that he would sleep on the plane. He hadn't been getting up early any other day, but he asked to borrow my phone, so that he could set the alarm. At least my work mobile was going to be useful for something![to be continued.....]

Monday - Our Last Day In America

Tom and I woke up to find Gordy already awake, and ready to go out for a run. I really hope that this early morning run would help him sleep on the plane, because he said yesterday that he would keep me awake for the whole flight if he couldn't sleep. I wouldn't take this seriously from most people, but I remembered from one of our trips to Plymouth last year what an annoying tosser he can be when I want to sleep, and he wants attention. Yet again the Prof. had breakfast under control, and I made good use of his kettle. I wanted copies of all our pictures, so I powered up my laptop, and connected Gordy's and Tom's cameras to it. Unfortunately, being my boss's old laptop, it had lots of photo organising software installed on it, which all started automatically when I plugged the cameras in. While these programs were hogging the PC's processing power, I checked my e-mail. Although there wouldn't be much to do on a bank holiday, the more I did today, the easier my first day back in the office would be. It took ages to copy all the pictures onto my laptop, but we didn't have enough time to copy them onto Prof's memory stick (he didn't know how to copy files between PCs using his router, and I didn't want to mess about with his firewall).

Gordy and Tom decided that they didn't have space in their hand luggage for my mug, so I packed as many pants as I could inside the mug, and wrapped T-shirts around the outside. Hopefully it would make it back in one piece. Once he'd got out of the shower, Gordy tried to find cheap alternatives to catching a train from Gatwick to Bath. He considered hiring a car, which seemed like a good idea. Since he could drop me off, I offered to give him the cost of my coach fare (about 20) towards the car hire. I was amazed that he didn't think this was cheaper than getting the train, but trusted his ability to get the price of hiring a car. Eventually, he gave up, and we left to drive to the airport. We picked up Emma on the way, because Prof was dropping her back off at Carolann's house after dropping Gordy and me off at the airport. The weather was beginning to get much better, so Tom (who was staying another few days) was going to have an excellent time perving on the beach!

Gordy still hadn't found any jeans for Emma, and I still hadn't found a cheap iPod, so we stopped off at another shopping place on the way to the airport. While Tom and Gordy were looking for clothes, Prof left me in charge of Emma, while he went to the toilet. As soon as he went, she caught the attention of a woman who was walking past. I told Emma that this was good, but that she should talk to sexy totty next time! I gave up finding an iPod fairly quickly, and went to buy a cuppa for the Prof and me (I'd noticed a Starbucks while Prof was parking). He asked for a Motta. I had no idea what one of these was, but he assured me that I wouldn't get asked any technical questions! I thought that Starbucks must be the kind of place to have contactless payment, but even this didn't have it. Anyway, Prof was right - I didn't get any technical questions. I walked back to where I'd left him with Emma, but they weren't there. After walking around with two cups for a while, I eventually found them back where I'd left them!

Tom and Gordy turned up soon afterwards, and Gordy still hadn't found any jeans for Emma. He is going to be in so much trouble! We got into Prof's truck, and continued our journey to the airport. I had wanted to go to Hooters, but it seemed that we didn't have time, so the Prof dropped us off at the airport, and took Tom to see Carolann. We tried using the self check-in machines, but discovered that we were in the domestic area, so couldn't do so! The woman checking us in checked our backs all the way to Gatwick, and put fragile labels on them, because of the mugs we'd got inside. Hopefully that would be OK. This was going to be the last plane journey for my trusty bag - I'd decided it was time to throw it away, and buy a new one. It'll be the end of an era. We found a table, and I left Gordy reading while I went to Starbucks to buy tea. [To be continued.....]

[04/11/08 18:49 GMT continued] Unfortunately, the tea wasn't up to scratch. Gordy refused to drink it, but I decided that it was better than nothing, so had both cups. Gordy wanted to e-mail Emma to see whether she'll collect him from the airport, but, having not bought an iPod Touch, we were unable to use the "free" wi-fi. I could have used my laptop, but I was determined that I'd find a PC that we could use, and eventually found one at the Hilton Hotel. I told Gordy, and off he went.

While we were having a bite to eat having gone through security, I got a text message from Emma, saying "Hi billy - can you tell gord i have sent him and e.mail and if he wants to discuss lifts tomorrow he needs to give me a bell asap! Thanks x". Realising that I might get a lift too, I let him use my phone to call Emma. Unfortunately, all the phone call achieved was them realising that it was a bad idea. Oh well.

We got our seats on the plane, and settled down for our short journey to Atlanta. As we arrived, Gordy was worried that we'd never make our connecting flight, so we tried to get off the plane quickly, and dashed to the next flight. We made it with plenty of time. I wanted to pretend that we were on our honeymoon to get upgraded, but Gordy wasn't happy with that idea! I got a text message from Prof saying that "Hooters was good". We got our seats on the plane, and settled down in time to see a woman with a carry-on bag the size of Cat's tits try to squeeze it into the overhead bins.

Wearing only shorts and T-shirt, Gordy wrapped himself up in a blanket, and tried to get to sleep. I found it difficult to get to sleep, but, after a bit of half-mile-high club action, I found it easier to sleep. We arrived OK, but there was an announcement that included our names, asking us to report to the front. Gordy went first, and I jokingly said, "Watch out for over-sized hand-luggage bird". He didn't hear me properly, so turned round and asked me to repeat myself, and promptly got knocked on the head by the over-sized hand-luggage!

After just avoiding injury, we reported to the front of the plane, and were told that our bags didn't make the connecting flight in Atlanta. I was happy with this, because it meant that I could go straight to work without waiting for my bags, and get them delivered to work later. Gordy wasn't so happy, because he hadn't got any clothes in his carry-on luggage, was still only wearing shorts and T-shirt, and it was 05:30! What a pratt!

Gordy had this strange idea that it was worth going to look at the baggage carousel for a few seconds, but I eventually persuaded him that it was a stupid idea. My journey to work was delayed a bit by the Circle Line, but I started work on the train from Paddington to Slough, and then walked into the office.

Having answered all the work calls and work e-mails while I was away, my day at work wasn't too busy. My bag was delivered during the day, but it was far more damaged than when I'd dropped it off. There was no way that I'll be able to use it again, so I'll be complaining about that, don't you worry!


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