Totty Roads

Helen and Rob's Trip to the Algarve

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[Written while Bird was shopping at the airport on the way back]

Bird had booked the holiday a few months ago. I hadn't paid much attention to where we were going. It was on the coast, so I was sure that I'd be able to go diving while she sat on the beach. During the week before we flew out, I e-mailed the hotel, and asked it to organise diving for Friday and Saturday. I was told that the nearest diving was in Lagos, but I had no idea how far that was from the hotel, so I just said "yes". I'd booked Thursday afternoon, and Friday, off work, so it was all sorted.


I left work at about midday, and didn't have to meet Bird in Staines until 3pm. That gave me plenty of time to gimmer. Firstly, I realised that I had no money in my Nationwide current account. I always use this account when getting cash out abroad, because it doesn't charge any commission. I therefore had to get some dosh out of my current account, and pay it into my Nationwide account. I'd left my stash of Euro at home, so had to get a few quid's worth at the Post Office (commission free). With all this commission avoidance, I was feeling hungry. I was tempted to get a take-away, and eat it on a bench, but there was a risk of a smoker sitting down next to me. I therefore ate in the first eat-in fast-food restaurant I saw. This turned out to be Kentucky Fried Chicken. It was full of totty with nice cleavages, so I was happy!

Anyway, I had a bus to catch, but remembered that I wanted to get an Algarve guidebook. I'd try to buy one in W H Smiths on Saturday, but it didn't have one. I therefore tried Ottakar's, and found out that, not only was there great cleavage serving, not only did it have an Algarve guidebook, but that it had a coffee bar at the back. Gimmeration, I could have eaten there. Anyway, I caught the bus to Staines (unfortunately, I had to use Beeline), and slept most of the way there.

There was about 45 minutes until I had to meet Bird, so I sat outside, and watched the totty walk by. While I was perving, Gary from Slough Scuba called. Gimmer had just dropped off some of my dive kit, and Gary just wanted to check a few things. One of the things on my list was that the button pressure gauge that I'd bought last week didn't fit. He asked whether I'd tried it in the low-pressure port by mistake. He really must think I'm a f*ckwit! While waiting, I saw two examples of bad apostrophe usage, but only took a picture of one, because the other had people in front of them, and I didn't want people thinking I was taking their pictures. Unfortunately, I hadn't had my camera repaired last Saturday, so I only had my mobile phone to take pictures with.

After a while, some smoker sat down next to me, so I moved. I sat down in a no-smoking shopping centre instead. Fortunately, there was still lots of totty to perve at. Bird called me, and asked me to meet her at Costa Coffee. I found myself a seat from which I could perve at totty (including a table full of MILFs), and waited. I felt a spot or two of rain, but wasn't going to move.

Bird turned up after a while, and moved me to a table under an umbrella, and went inside to get some drinks. I did not like my new position - it was close enough to the MILFs that the pokiness was annoying, and I couldn't see the other totty. She then came out with take-away drinks, so I'd been moved from my perving seat for no reason! When we got to her car, I said that I had to change out of my work clothes before we set off. Bird pointed out that there were parents with their kids, who might not be impressed. Gimmeration - are people in England so prudish that they are going to get upset by somebody getting changed in public? I decided that it was their problem, not mine, so carried on anyway (how European of me), it's not as if I took my pants off.

Bird has a completely different idea about checking in times than I do. I'm happy to turn up at the last minute, and blag my way onto a flight. Bird, on the other hand, leaves plenty of time to arrive by the two-hour check-in deadline. There was loads of traffic on the M25, so Bird started getting stressed, although I'm sure she was amused with me taking pictures of more apostrophe misuse. She therefore called up somebody at work to ask her to look up the travel reports (she obviously didn't trust me to surf the net). Now wasn't going to be a good time to tell her again about the research that said that using a mobile phone (even with a hands-free kit) was equivalent to driving at the drink-drive limit. Anyway, her colleague talked us through an alternative way to Gatwick, and we arrived at the valet parking guvna's hut, in plenty of time. Bird already had my dive kit in the back of her motor, and I'd packed the rest of my stuff as we were going round the M25. We found the BA check-in desk, and were impressed to see that there was a small queue. We got served by a really camp check-in bloke - obviously being groomed to be a cabin steward. I asked to be given a seat next to totty. He told me that, based on the people that he'd seen check in so far, it was unlikely. He'd only checked in families and old people. He also said that the flight was delayed, so at least I could have a few Stellas before having to put up with a flight full of pokiness.

[Continued on the flight on the way back.]

Once we'd got through security and passport control, we got to the Stella drinking ground. Bird asked me where I wanted to go. Based on my memory of the pub crawl that Scary and I did in December, I knew that there was one pub to the right, two pubs to the left, and the potential of a small bar by the departure gate. We went left, because the Lloyds Bar was likely to have a big no-smoking area. I was confused by the lack of the second bar, until we got close, and I realised that it was right next to the Lloyds Bar. I wondered whether the Stellas that Scary and I had left in December were still there, but didn't bother checking!

At the bar, I was shocked to find that I'd forgotten that the Lloyds bar didn't serve Wife Beater, but Señorita Beater made a good alternative! During our wait for our delayed flight, we saw an episode of some BBC programme that was all about sea rescue. We also saw an advert for an episode of Question Time for schools. I was not impressed by the lack of an apostrophe (or the presence of an S) in its title - "Schools Question Time". After a quick bit of quiz machine action, we headed for the departure terminal. Like Scary, Bird is always keen to arrive in good time for departure. There was a bit of a queue, but there seemed to be a fair bit of totty, so I was happy. I was getting eyed up by quite a few women, which was a good start to the holiday.

As we were waiting for the plane, I realised that it was a BA flight "operated by GB Airways". I was sure that I hadn't seen that before, but Bird said that all BA flights had always been operated by GB Airways. She sounded convincing, so it was easier to say "Yes dear", than to argue! I'll have a look on when I get home, to find out for sure.

Once we were sitting comfortably, a woman walked by, looked at me, and said "Is that a promise?". I'd forgotten that I was wearing my Sugar Daddy T-shirt! We were joined by a bloke who seemed quite friendly. His missus (who was on the other side of the aisle) was MILF, but, unfortunately, they were accompanied by two children. Bird kept them (and us) amused by the alphabet game. In turn, we had to name body parts beginning with a letter of the alphabet (in the order of the alphabet), Ankle, followed by bottom, followed by ............. calf! We then moved on to song titles, and then song artists. After all that, I discussed my thoughts on totty. As I'm sure you're aware, there are four ways that I grade totty. Firstly, there's the simple score out of 10. Secondly, there's how many months since I've last had sex before I'd sleep with her (for example, "she's a 3-monther"). Thirdly, there's how many beers I've had (for example, "she's a 3-pinter"). Fourthly, of course, it's possible to be a combination of the last two (for example, "She's a 3-pinter/4-monther", which is equivalent to a 7-monther). My confusion was, what happens the morning after? Unless I was still drunk, I would only sleep with a 0-pinter/0-monther. Bird suggested I just say "I'll call you in a few months". Top lass. During the flight, we also discussed the day that I first met Bird's father, but that's another story!

Anyway, we landed in Faro OK, and our bags turned up quickly. More quickly than the bags of the blokes who were standing next to us (one of whom Bird quite fancied). In order to pander to my environmental beliefs, Bird had booked a space on a Hotel Hoppa shuttle. Granted, it's not as environmentally friendly as proper public transport, but it's not far off. It's also an excellent guarantee that we wouldn't be ripped off by a taxi driver. The family that we'd sat next to got their hire car OK, the blokes that Bird had fancied left without their luggage, and we got our Hoppa OK (which had a fair bit of totty on board). The bird sat next to me made me smile. "We're not hiring a car, the speed limit is 120", she said to her mate. I was just too knackered to tell her that it was 120km/hr, and not 120mph.

After about an hour, we arrived at our hotel. It was a bloke's last drop-off, so he helped me in with the Slough Council Recycling Box (aka Billy's Dive Kit). It was after midnight, so the bloke who sorted us out was a little bit rusty, but got things sorted. He told me all about my diving. It turned out that Lagos was miles away, and would cost €40 each way. I was not happy having to spend all that money, but it was either that, or not go diving. I went with the diving option. We got to sleep at about 1am, which wasn't too bad, since I was being collected at 9am. Bird read for a while, while I lay there and pondered the state of the world (and thought about all the totty that I'd perved at during the day). After a while, I was ready to sleep, so turned around to Bird, and said "Goodnight, sexy". She was amazed to see that, 30 seconds later, I was asleep. She was not happy to see that I started snoring soon after that!


Unsure whether my phone's alarm would work while turned off (the battery was low, so I didn't want to leave it on silent all night), we were woken up by Bird's alarm, at 8am, closely followed by my alarm. Bird was happy to wake up as well, because it meant we could have breakfast together. Bird had read the hotel information before we went to bed, and had found out that eggs would cost an extra €6. I was worried about having to pay that, just to avoid a bend, but had decided that it was money well spent. It turned out that we could have eggs for no extra, so it must have only been extra for room guven.

I had time for a quick lie-down before the taxi guvna turned up. He was waiting for me at reception when I arrived, and even helped me carry my crate to the motor. He was very chatty during the journey there, and told me about a mate of his who was going to set up a diving place next to the hotel. Gimmeration, if only we'd booked our holiday a bit later! When we got to Lagos, he asked me what the name of the dive shop was. I had no idea, I just assumed that the hotel would have told him. I told him this, and suggested that we call the hotel. He said there was no need, and went to ask some bloke who was fixing his boat. He got back to the car, and said that it was OK. I was beginning to get a bit worried. He parked up, and THEN told me that there was only one dive shop in Lagos. He came with me to the dive shop, to check that I was OK, and also to help me with my dive crate. He started talking to the blokes behind the counter in Portuguese, but we soon realised that it would be easier for me to communicate, since they were all British. The taxi guvna gave me his mobile number, so I could ring him when I was ready to go back to the hotel. I was so glad of his number, because I had no idea what the hotel was called, or even what town it was in!

All I needed to borrow were tanks, fins, and weights. Normally, I have no idea what weight (in numbers) that I need, I just chuck on my weight belt. Fortunately, before I left, I noted what actual weight was on my belt, and had converted it to kg. I was given a belt with the weights already on it, and couldn't be bothered to move it onto my weight belt. As I was sorting out my kit, there seemed to be a lot of big-breasted totty waiting around! I continued sorting out my kit, and heard one of the guvnas in charge say "When Sugar Daddy has got his arse in gear, we'll take the stuff down to the boat". I couldn't have the totty thinking that I was slow, so kitted up quickly. As I was walking towards to boat, a single 12-litre cylinder felt so light, that I had to put my hand behind me, to check that it was still there.

The boat was a very small hard boat - ideal for diving off, but it had no space to shelter from the sun. Fortunately, I'd put on factor 50 sun cream. On board was the skipper, BNIB, BNTB, BNBDB, RB, and me. RB asked whether he could go off on his own, and BNBDB said she would like to as well. BNIB asked me how good I was on air. I thought about lying, and finishing with 10bar, but thought that that was a bad idea with people I didn't know. Anyway, being a guzzler gave me a totty dive.

[Continued on journeys to and from work]

Job done. All I had to do was to follow BNIB and BNTB around, and stop while BNTB did some skills. We'd only gone down to about 25m, but the skill was to count how many Ps there were in a grid of letters, and compare that with how she did on the surface. Apparently, it took her 7 seconds longer underwater. It would be interesting to see how I cope at 50m! The visibility was a bit pants, and I can't remember what we saw during the dive.

The problem with such a small boat, was that it was difficult to avoid people smoking. I wasn't particularly impressed to see BNIB throw her cigarette butt into the water. BNTB and BNBDB decided not to do the second dive, so BNIB and I were joined by RB. BNIB was feeling cold, but still did the dive. RB was annoyed by our bubbles scaring off all the fish, and he confused BNIB by using an SMB once she'd put one up. Fortunately, she was very well trained, and I didn't have to use an SMB on either dive (not that I had one with me).

Back at the dive centre, CBIB called the taxi guvna once I'd put all my kit away. He said he'd be about an hour. I was in no hurry - there was totty around, including BNBDB going topless while getting changed, so I didn't mind waiting. I was trying to decide between two boat dives, or one shore dive to a wreck. I decided that I'd go for the two boat dives. When BNIB told me that the shore dive involved a 20-minute surface swim, I knew that I'd made the right decision. BNIB did a very good job of keeping me company while I was waiting for a taxi, but I didn't get around to finding out whether she was single or not. Still, there's always tomorrow.

Once the taxi driver had dropped me off at the hotel, I dropped my things off in the hotel room, and went looking for Bird. I didn't find her, but had a good perve around the swimming pool, before going to check out the beach. I didn't find her there either, but found a bar where I could have a Coke and a burger, and look out over the beach. Top holiday!

After a while, I got a bit hot, so headed back to the hotel to write up my dive log, and have a quick kip. Bird joined me there, and it turned out that she'd been by the swimming pool all afternoon.

We went for a quick drink at the hotel bar (Bird was starting on cocktails - very dangerous), before asking the reception guvna where we could eat. He suggested a nice fish restaurant, but Bird's allergic to fish. He said that the main town was about an hour's walk away, but that there were some restaurants on the way. I was amazed when Bird suggested walking. We didn't walk the whole way, because we found a curry house on the way. The service was excellent, but the only problem was that it didn't accept credit cards. We therefore had to limit ourselves to spending €35. This meant that I couldn't have any matter panneer.

The food was excellent, and we got a free glass of port each at the end. There was also quite a lot of nice totty (although, of course, I've only got eyes for Bird). On the way back, Bird had to get some chocolate from the shop next door to the curry house. While I was waiting outside the shop, I turned back to check out the two women who were on the table next to us. The one facing me was leaning back, stretching her arms behind her. The other one was leaning forward to pick up her drink. Fortunately, my 3D vision wasn't working very well, and it looked as if the drink girl was groping the other one's left boob. Way hey! We had a quick drink in the bar, before calling it a night.


I woke up in the middle of the night to hear Bird snoring. I was glad that she'd managed to get some sleep, and I hadn't kept her awake two nights running! She had a deep massage booked for the morning, so she was awake for breakfast. Today, had hard-boiled eggs were on offer, as well as scrambled eggs, so I had both, just to be on the safe side. The taxi driver turned up, and off we went. There was no recycling box to carry, because I'd left it at the diving centre.

There were quite a few people waiting around when I arrived, so I was worried that I was holding things up. I asked CBIB whether everyone was waiting for me, and she said that they were still waiting for the trainee to turn up. BNDB arrived, not looking as sexy as yesterday, because she had the flu. I was on my best behaviour, and didn't offer to kiss her better, or to rub anything on her chest! I tried talking to a bloke was standing waiting, but he didn't speak much English, so I gave up (I don't speak any Spanish at all). YBNTB arrived, so CBIB started sorting her out. Since there was no totty to chat to, I started chatting to the skipper. He seemed like a nice friendly bloke, and I do remember him looking at the two girls sorting out dive kit, and saying something like "No offence, but I'd rather be looking at them, than at you!".

YBNGTB, CBIB, SB and I were all going to dive as a four. It was YBNTB's first ever sea dive, and second ever dive, so we were only going to go to about 10m. I was very impressed to see that, when she'd finished her cigarette before diving, she stubbed it out, and then put it back into the packet. Understandably, it took her a while to get sorted, but we all went down the shotline together. The visibility was pants, and, after about 8 minutes, I turned around to see YBNTB doing the breast-stroke (he he), but couldn't see CBIB. I looked up to see her frantically finning downwards towards me. She signalled that she'd lost her weightbelt, so I grabbed hold of her (way-hay), and dumped all the air out of my jacket. Unfortunately, she didn't know my kit, so looked quite scared because she thought I was inflating my jacket! I put up her SMB, and she then took it off me, and ascended. We'd lost YBNTB by this point, but SB and I still surfaced slowly. All we could hear on our slow ascent was the rattling of CBIB's PADI dive rattle!

Back on the surface, it seemed that both girls had done a slow enough ascent. I was concerned when CBIB said that she'd dive again, but it was nothing to do with me, so I kept fairly quiet. While zipping up CBIB, I was impressed to hear the skipper say "But I don't want to be dressing you!". The second dive was a fairly uneventful dive, until the end. CBIB started putting the SMB up. I was watching her, but turned round to check on YBNTB, only to see her ascending. SB and I both tried to grab her fins, but both missed by an inch or two. I helped CBIB put up the SMB, and she then gave it to me (ooh-err), and followed YBNTB to the surface. Gimmeration. Not only was she doing a second fast ascent, but I was going to have to use the SMB!

Back on the boat, the girls seemed OK, but the skipper said that they wouldn't be diving again, and that they were checking with the dive centre whether it would be OK for SB and me to dive together without a Dive Master to accompany us. I heard CBIB say "Rob's quite good, it should be OK". Just as we were about to kit up, YBNTB said "OK then, let's start sunbathing while they're diving". I almost aborted the dive there and then, but was well behaved, and didn't offer to stay behind and look after them! CBIB lent me her SMB, so I was going to have to use an SMB yet again. We didn't see much during the dive, but did see some big scallop type thing right at the end. On the way back, the girls informed us about their idea of becoming millionaires. I asked CBIB whether she would marry me if she became a millionaire, and she didn't say "no"! As we arrived back in the harbour, TB was waiting there for me. That meant I had no totty chatting time, but at least I knew I'd be getting back OK.

When I got back to the hotel, Bird was having her second massage of the day, so I ordered a beer and a club sandwich, and went to sit by the pool to write up my dive log. I was not impressed to find that the only space in the shade had a tree between me and the pool, so I couldn't perve! There was a new waitress working today, who was very friendly (she told me off for not eating my salad). Bird had had an interesting day - being given a paper g-string to cover her modesty while having a deep massage from a bloke! Anyway, we went for a quick drink by the pool, and Bird got to perve at SSB. After that, we went out to find somewhere to eat. We saw a sign to a different curry house, so followed it. After a while, I wasn't convinced that we'd find anything, but Bird suggested we carry on walking. A few minutes later, we found a curry house! Top lass, we'd never have got there, if she'd listened to me. Although I'd made sure that I had plenty of cash, the restaurant took credit cards. The mattar panneer was good, but not quite up to the India's standards. Bird had a few problems ordering the correct dessert, but got there in the end.

Back at the hotel, we had a quicky in the bar. The barmaid wasn't as happy as before, because Portugal had lost in the football. Gimmeration - it's only a game. There was some new totty in the bar (possibly sisters in their 20s on holiday with their parents - potential for a bit of sister action!).


I wasn't going to be diving today, because we were flying later on, so I thought I'd try this sitting around the pool malarkey (in the shade, of course). Bird left me at breakfast, to go and get suitable seats, just as a nice bit of totty walked in. I had to stay a bit longer! After sorting out my dive kit, I joined Bird by the pool, to finish off my dive logs, and enter all the depths and times. Bird had chosen two seats right next to the bird from breakfast! Top lass! After finishing off my dive logs, I looked around the pool. There were a few people sitting with their legs in the water reading books, there were a few more people asleep, and there were a few more people reading copies of the Sun. I still didn't understand, it's a long way to come, just to meet English people, and sit next to a swimming pool, reading an English "newspaper". Breakfast Totty had been replaced by her father, which was a bit of a shame, but he seemed quite chatty (I suppose most Scousers are).

We lazed around the pool a bit more, until our transfer to the airport arrived. We arrived at the airport with plenty of time to spare, so were almost at the front of the queue. Bird was in her "let's get things sorted" mood, so I was just happy to keep my mouth shut, and let her do all the talking. Because I was quiet, she was worried that there was something wrong! Anyway, after going through security, she left me at a bar, while she went shopping. She came back to say that she hadn't been asked for her passport, because there was no limit on duty-free. This was news to me - I thought that there was still a limit on duty-free, but that there was no limit on duty-paid goods. As we walked towards the departure gates, Bird realised that we hadn't been through passport control, which was why there was no limit on duty-free. This still didn't make any sense to me, but didn't know any different. Apparently we go through passport control before security in England, so that's what confused her. It all sounded very complicated to me!

I was sitting between two gorgeous women on the plane (with some decent MILF on the other side of the plane). Bird was in the window seat, and some other totty had the aisle seat. Once we'd sat down, I started looking around the plane to check where the emergency exits were. Bird asked me what I was doing, so I told her. "Our one is bound to be in front of us", she said. Personally, I would have used the one in the row directly behind us! I noticed that the bird next to me had slept all through the safety brief. I couldn't decide whether to wake her up, and tell her where the emergency exit was, but decided against it (I would just push her out of my way if I needed to get out in an emergency).

While writing this trip report, I looked at the paper that the bloke in front of me was reading, and saw the headline - "Fatty thighs to give breasts uplift". I almost spat my beer out. What a top idea. I felt sorry for the totty who was sitting next to me - she wanted to sleep the whole way back, but I kept on waking her up (either to use the toilet, or to get things out of my bag). While using the toilet the first time, I asked for a beer while I was on the back of the plane. I almost got given a warm beer - fortunately this was quickly prevented.

Bird wasn't feeling very well, so I didn't wake her up to mention that they were selling Duty Free on the plane, and even managed not to nudge her when we flew over Breast.

As Bird pointed out, next year, when she says, "Do you want to check whether you can go diving locally?", I should actually try to find out, and not jut rely on being able to dive locally, just because the hotel's on the coast. I made the same mistake in Dubai last year, maybe I'll learn this time!

13/07/06: If you want to know what all the abbreviations stand for, then have another look at this page again soon. Also, pictures and hyperlinks will be added soon.

20/07/06: Sorry, I went diving from last Friday until yesterday, so haven't had time to update this page. I'll try to do it tomorrow.


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Created on: 10 Jul 2006. Modified on: 12 Jul 2006.
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