Totty Trains

Helen and Rob's Trip to Dubai

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We'd booked this holiday through LastMinute (at a hotel described as having riding stables and spa treatments) the week before, and had received the most disgusting customer service ever, but that's another story. This is all about our excellent holiday to Dubai. Bird had come away with the intention of sunning herself on the beach, riding horses, and having a bit of Spa action (she deserved a nice relaxing break). None of that appealed to me at all, but I was happy to go off and explore, and meet up with Bird of an evening.

Thursday 14th July
While Bird was out partying, I had time to quickly put my dive kit together. I didn't intend doing anything too adventurous, so didn't need to take much. I didn't want to carry my regs in my hand luggage, and my orange crate was too big for what I needed to take. I went in search of a smaller crate. My eyes found a black hard plastic box, with a lid. "Slough Borough Council", it said on the side. Thank God for recycling boxes, I thought, as I put all my dive kit inside. A few clean T-shirts and pants in a bag, along with some Factor50, and I was packed. Bird was being a dirty stop-out, so I went to bed early. We had a 10:15 flight in the morning, and Bird wanted to pay attention to the 3-hour check-in.

Friday 15th July
My alarm went off at about 6am, and I got up, to see Bird walking in through the front door. What a real dirty stop-out! Anyway, we headed off to catch the Heathrow bus, and bird fell asleep almost as soon as the doors had closed. There was some nice totty on the bus - not expecting too much totty in Dubai, I made the most of my perving opportunities.

We arrived at the Air Frog check-in desk before they were checking in for our flight, but we joined the queue and they were checking in for our flight by the time we'd reached the front. The check-in guvna wasn't convinced that the lid of my crate would stay on during the flight, so he taped it down with loads of stickers. I then had to take it through to the oversized baggage place, so I left Bird sleeping by the Air Frog check-in. I walked past a baggage shop, and (heaven forbid that I spend some money) bought a luggage belt to keep the box safe. They scanned my crate, and then had to open it, because my regs looked exactly the same shape as a gun. Fortunately, the totty who searched me helped me put it all back in again (I reckon she wanted some Dickson Love-Train action).

Knowing that there was a Wetherspoon's beyond passport control, I woke Bird up, and off we went. I love early morning flights - it's not often that I have a Full English breakfast, with a Stella. Bird slept some more, while I perved at totty, chatted to the totty barmaid, and e-mailed the DVLA about Bird's car.

Buy From Amazon Anyway, two pints later, it was time to get on the plane. The flight from Heathrow to Paris was full of totty, but I had a feeling that the totty level would fall once we got on the Paris to Dubai plane. While Bird was sleeping on the plane, I started reading the Lonely Planet Dubai guide. I started looking at the language section, and it all looked very complicated. The bloke next to me was Arabic, and started teaching me the basics. "Shokran", he said, "is Arabic for thank-you". That word sounded familiar, so I said "That's the same as Egyptian!". As soon as I'd opened my mouth, I realised what a gimmer I'd been.

We had enough time in Paris for a quick pint, before taking off again. Bird had cleverly taken all the Euro [before anybody tries to correct my spelling, Euro is the plural of Euro] out of her purse before we left - still that doesn't beat my Egyptian comment. I can't remember much about the flight, but I'm sure that I had a few lagers to pass the time. I'd read that mobiles were popular in Dubai, but was still amazed by the number of people on the plane, who felt the need to turn their mobiles on as soon as the plane had landed. What's wrong with these people? Is anything ever that urgent that it can't wait until the plane's actually stopped.

We landed on time at about 10pm, and were met at the airport by a bloke from the travel company. He was very friendly, and said that there'd be somebody waiting for us after customs. True enough, there was a bloke there, who took us to the minibus. As soon as we stepped outside the air-conditioned airport, the temperature hit us. I had a feeling that I was going to suffer - it was 22:30, and we were feeling the heat. Anyway, the driver took us to the hotel, which was quite a long way out of town. The tour guvna had given us a letter, which said that he would meet us at midday in the main hotel lobby.

The hotel looked really nice, and the reception people were very friendly. A guvna in a little golf buggy took us, and our bags, to our room. As he carried the bags up to our room, I picked up my crate and followed him. Obviously, in a 5-star hotel, this wasn't very common, and, presumably wanting a bit of tip action, he wanted to carry it himself. Anyway, the room was enormous, and it had a nice view of the beach. We quickly changed into something more comfortable, and headed for the bar (after getting lost and confused with the key cards).

I was impressed to see that it served Stella, so I had a pint, while Bird had an icy cocktail. Everybody working at the hotel spoke English to each other, so my efforts at trying to speak Arabic went unnoticed. Anyway, after about 15 minutes, I got told that shorts and sandals weren't acceptable, and I needed to wear long trousers in future. I only fancied the one pint, so we finished our drinks, and went to bed.

Saturday 16th July
We woke up at a reasonable time, and, in case I was going to go diving later, I made sure that I had a bit of fried egg action. The guvna serving us mentioned that there was going to be a traditional Arabic meal, with a belly dancer. Bird hadn't heard the mention of belly dancer, but was up for the traditional Arabic meal. We booked ourselves in.

After breakfast, I went to sort out some diving, and see what else there was to do in Dubai, and Bird sorted out her Spa treatments (despite LastMinute selling this holiday as being at a resort with riding stables, the hotel didn't offer riding between June and October). I booked myself onto two dives for the next day. Looking at the Spa totty, I was tempted to join Bird, but I decided to wander around Dubai instead. After realising that we were waiting for the tour guide in the wrong reception, we went for a quick drink by the pool (more perving!), and then I got a taxi into Dubai (90 scroats).

I was up for a boat tour up and down the creak, and the taxi driver said he knew where to drop me. In fact, he dropped me on the wrong side of the creak, so I took a river taxi over to the correct side, and found where the boat tours left from. I got on the boat, but was told that it would be leaving in 30 minutes, but that the 35 scroats price was only valid if two more people got on. While I was waiting on the boat, I turned my phone on to check the time, and a text message from Tania arrived. "Hey. Where r u at the mo? Just walking back to addenbrooke's from town. Give me a ring when u get here x", it said. Obviously it was meant for somebody else, but I just had to let her know where I was. "Hi billy! That message was meant 4 tom, sorry! Hope you're having an excellent time in dubai, see u soon, tania x". Two things crossed my mind then - why did a text message to Tom end up being sent to me (I reckon he must be under "Big Boy" in Tania's phone!) and whether I was likely to get any naughty text messages by mistake!

Anyway, nobody else turned up for the tour, so I got off, and went to find a little boat guvna, who took me for about 50 scroats (ooh-err). It was a nice journey up and down the creak, and I then went for a wander around town. I was amazed - in the middle of a very Muslim city, I managed to get a bit of tottycam action.

Another expensive taxi ride back to the hotel, and I met up with Bird. She'd had a lovely day doing nothing, and was feeling really relaxed. We went for a quick drink at a beach-bar, before going to the traditional Arabic evening. The food was excellent, but I was shocked that, knowing there'd be a belly dancer, that I'd forgotten to take TottyCam. What a fool. After the meal, we went for a quick drink at the main bar (quote for the weekend - "Just put it in your hand, turn round, and see if she grabs it").

I had a very early start the next morning (being picked up at 06:00 for a 2-hour coach journey to a decent dive site), so we didn't drink too late. Bird quite fancied the restaurant next to the bar (I reckon she fancied the chef), so we went to reception, and booked ourselves in for Sunday evening.

Sunday 17th July
The bus turned up at 06:15 (after the hotel concy-guvna had frantically tried calling to find out why he was late). He drove me into town, to pick up another bloke, and then we headed up the coast. The other guvna (a bloke in his early 20s) didn't say much, so I just slept most of the way. I was pleased to see totty in bikinis when I arrived at the dive centre. I put my kit together and, as I was putting my wetsuit on, one of the dive guides picked up my kit (along with two others), and carried all three sets of kit down to the boat. Who's the daddy?

Once on the boat, I made sure that I was sat next to one of the women, and started chatting to her. She (Rowena) was a member of Ringwood BSAC, and was on holiday with her mate. Unfortunately, neither was single. Everybody on the boat seemed friendly, and I was looking forward to the dive. It was all a bit strange, I'd introduced my self as Rob, so I was on a dive boat, people were calling me Rob, and nobody was giving me jip. It all felt so wrong!

The diving was good fun, but I was shocked to find that the water was colder at 8m, that the Red Sea was at 58m. Anyway, we saw a turtle, and I thought I'd discovered a new marine animal. I described to Rowena, who said that it was a nudi-branch, and that she'd never seen one before. Thinking back to Gordy's impression of a nudi-branch, I couldn't see the similarity.

Back on the beach, all we had to do was swap over cylinders and head back out. More people joined us for the afternoon dive, including, according to my dive log, "some only-just-legal-totty with fine jugs". On the second dive, I ended up at the bottom of the shot on my own, with nobody around. I went back up a bit, and was joined by the dive guide. We surfaced, could see nobody else, so went back down again. Mohammad didn't really have the concept of not finning on a drift dive, but he soon realised that I wasn't going to fin against the current.

After getting changed, the two Ringwood ladies invited me for a drink, but I had to decline, because I had a 2-hour bus journey back to Dubai. After having to change the tyre in the middle of a busy road, we got back to the hotel. Bird was still on the beach (although when I looked out on the beach for a perve, I didn't see her waving at me). We got changed, and headed up to the restaurant, only to find out that it was closed on Sundays. No worries - the guvna on reception booked us into the shooting lodge across the road (there were buses every half-hour from the main hotel). The food, service, and view were brilliant, so it was a nice end to the holiday.

Monday 18th July
Not much to say about our journey back. There was a nice pair of breasts just forward of us (probably a bit young, but still a very nice pair).

We arrived at Paris CDG on time, with the French still completely ignoring the No Smoking signs. Still, I got a few shots for TottyCam, and one or two for GingerCherry. The flight to Heathrow was a little bit late, but not too bad (an excuse for an extra pint). I sat next to some nice totty on the flight to Heathrow, who introduced me to Su Doku.


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Created on: 18 Jul 2005. Modified on: 18 Jul 2005.
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