Totty Roads

Helen and Rob's Day of Fun

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Yesterday, it was Bird's turn to treat me for my birthday. I had no idea what we were going to do, all I knew was that I had to be ready to leave at 2pm and that we were doing "the thing, followed by the thing, followed by the thing". It all started looking good when Helen wore one of my favourite tops (you can probably guess what I like about it!).

We left a little after two and headed off east along the M4. I still had no idea what we were going to do - she had planned this well. All that I knew was that we were going to park the car at Kew and then get a train into Waterloo. I knew that we wouldn't be catching the Eurostar, because I didn't have my passport with me. As we got closer into London, we got stuck in loads of traffic. Unfortunately, Helen hadn't realised that there was a rugby match on at Twickenham. Fortunately, she had left plenty of gimmering time in her plan. We left the car at Gunnersbury (fairly sure that parking was free on a Saturday, but we'd find out when we got back), and got the tube to Waterloo.

I still didn't know what we were doing. The London Eye was near Waterloo station, but we'd both been on that before. As I was eating my hot dog and Helen was getting her ice cream, I saw a large yellow amphibious vehicle and I knew what she had planned. I had wanted to go on the Frog Tour for ages, but had never got around to it. She's a top lass.

On we got. We were going to have about 45 minutes going around London, about 30 minutes on The Thames, and another 30 minutes going back through London. It was like Fred's Tours in the Scilly Isles, only it was in London and part of it was on water. Some old gags and some even older jokes kept us entertained. We went past quite a few landmarks:

We also had a bit of a sing-song:

The driver left us at the top of the slipway and Dave, the Skipper, took over. He was a fairly large bloke, who had problems getting into the driver's seat. He whinged about "short-arsed bus drivers", not thinking that it might have been a problem with lardy skippers.

Anyway, down the slipway we went and splashed into the river. What a brilliant experience - maybe we should get one of them to dive from. We got a completely different view of London from the river. We went up close to the House of Commons - there was nobody in because the MPs were still on their 3-month summer recess. Apparently, there are 32 bars, but no crèche. Too right - we don't want to encourage pokiness. As Helen then pointed out, 31 bars and a crèche would mean the bars would be less likely to have pokiness in.

On the way back up river towards the slipway, the engine starting giving off clouds of smoke and the temperature gauge went off the end of the scale. We headed towards a pontoon that was in the middle of the river and pulled alongside. I did think about offering help to the skipper and the tour guide, but I was a paying customer (even though it wasn't my money), and there was the distinct possibility that I might be asked to tie some knots, so I left them to it.

As it turned out, we'd moored close to the Fire Brigade's riverside fire station, so after a couple of minutes, several firemen appeared. Suddenly Helen's face lit-up and she started paying attention - she was looking forward to being rescued by a burly fireman. The fireboat pulled alongside, latched itself to us and took us back to the fire station. Helen wasn't going to actually be rescued by a fireman, but she did to walk through the fire station, hoping to catch a glimpse of some more firemen.

We got picked up by another of the Frogs, and taken through some more of London (more old gags and more sing songs) back to where we started. Some of the people were considering asking for a refund. We didn't - Helen would have paid extra for the firemen!

We then got back on the Tube (after being nearly knocked down by some pokiness on a skate board), and headed towards Piccadilly Circus for part two of Helen's plan. This involved dinner somewhere in the West End. We walked past a curry house, and end up going into one of the steak houses. The food was great, but there weren't any sexy waitresses serving it to us. Still, we had a seat where I could see all the totty walking past (obviously, I only had eyes for Helen though).

We then had time for a couple of pints before Part Three. I went in O'Neils to get the drinks, while Helen went off to organise Part Three. It was quite busy and noisy in the pub (there was some football match on), so we just had the one drink there, and went to the pub almost opposite. It was much quieter and still did Stella. As we were sat down, I saw this attractive, fairly well stacked girl walking towards the bar. She had a rather tight pink T-shirt on, that had a brilliant caption written across her chest. It simply said, "Silicon Free". Apparently, she'd bought it when she was in Munich earlier on in the year - I think I'll have to keep an eye out for that when we go to the Oktoberfest next month.

Then it was time for Part Three. I was fairly sure that we would be going to the Theatre, but I had no idea what we were going to see. Helen had booked us excellent seats in the Stalls to see "Tell Me On A Sunday", starring Denise Van Outen. The pictures looked good (plenty of cleavage on show). As it was, Denise was on holiday for three weeks, so was replaced by Julie-Alanah Brighten. It was a brilliant Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, with only one character in the whole play. I loved the music - it sounded quite like Evita to me, but Helen didn't agree. Well, whatever the music was like didn't really matter - it was a brilliant performance.

After the play had finished (we were played out by the band), I was tempted to go back into the quite pub to see whether the pink T-shirt bird was there. We didn't do that, Helen suggested heading back to Gunnersbury and having a pint in the pub by the station. As we were walking down the stairs in Piccadilly Circus tube station, I saw another brilliant T-shirt. It was a French Connection UK T-shirt that simply said, "FCUK Football - What About Me?".

We got back in time for a quick pint in Gunnersbury (a very nice totty barmaid and some good music), before driving back home. Fortunately, the parking was free on a Saturday.

Thanks for a brilliant birthday day out - I love you loads.

Rob
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Created on: 07 Sep 2003. Modified on: 07 Sep 2003.
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