Mel and James's Wedding

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Zoe had kindly offered to collect me from Guildford station, so that we could drive down to Mel and James's wedding together. If I caught the 07:45 from Langley, I could get to Guildford by 09:10. The Langley to Guildford journey isn't an easy one, either by rail, or by road. I made good use of the time by updating my blog, and writing a few e-mails while I was on the train. I much prefer travelling by train and bus - it's more environmentally friendly than travelling by car, there's much less time wasted than when travelling by car, and, if there's a delay, I get compensation.

Zoe turned up at the station after about 10 minutes (I didn't mind waiting, it was a sunny day, and there was some top quality Guilford totty for me to perve at). She started unpacking her car. This seemed a bit strange to me, but she wanted to put the back seats up. I was happy with this - Zoe bending over is always a good thing! I mentioned that the weather forecast was for heavy rain, which worried her somewhat, because she had brought no warm or waterproof clothes. Gimmeration! Fortunately, her place was on the way, so we went to get her some more clothes, a big umbrella, and the snorkels.

I don't remember much about the journey down, apart from getting stuck in traffic on and off, all the way along the A303. It was nice spending time with Zoe, but we did have a wedding to get to. During the journey, I got a text message from Gimmer - "nice breasts on the 9.46 tn paddington", it said. Top man. I wondered whether he'd take a picture for me. I almost replied with "Nice tits in the car to Exeter", but decided against it! We stopped off to get a bite to eat, and Zoe was very impressed to see a nice fit army bloke waiting in the queue. I've got to admit - I could definitely see why she fancied him!

We weren't the only ones being stuck in traffic; everybody else in the diving club who was going to the wedding was getting stuck. Those of us travelling down were:
Zoe, and me.
Gordy, Emma, Dindin, Sam, and Rodders.
Becky, and Tania.
Rob and Sarah (his new missus)
Nick and Max

Grolsch signOur initial plan was to park in the field by James's parents' place, Zoe to get changed, me to have a jimmy, walk to the church, have a pint, and then go to the wedding. We didn't have any time to gimmer around. We found a pub for Zoe to get changed in (we'd decided that her getting changed, and me having a jimmy, in a church grounds wasn't the done thing!), and then drove straight to the church. As we were driving there, I got a text message from Rob, which said, "Are you stuck?". I called him back, but got no answer. The fool had put his phone onto silent! We got there in time, and joined everybody else, except for DaveS, Emily, Nick and Max, who were still on their way.

Just as we were expecting Mel to walk in, the door opened, and everybody in the church turned around. It was Dave Smallman! Emma said, in quite a loud voice, "Oh God!". The silly tart, of all the places to say that in! I was sitting next to Gordy, and we spent most of our time trying not to giggle. Emma spent most of her time, complaining that it was like sitting beside two schoolboys! Not long after DaveS arrived, Mel arrived. She looked stunning, but I was more interested in checking out the two bridesmaids! I didn't fancy either, and then turned around to catch Rodney's eye, to see whether he did. We both looked at each other, and just said "Nah". Back to perving at Mel!

The ceremony was lovely, with a few things worth pointing out:

Outside, we stood out of the way while the pictures were being taken, but Nick started sorting out our snorkel guard of honour. I had assumed we'd be doing it at the reception (ooh-err), but Nick had told me we'd be doing it at the church, so I called everybody during our delayed journeys down to tell them that we'd be doing it at the church (ooh-err). It was a good job that I did, since everybody else had assumed the same as I did. I'm sure that Mel and James appreciated the guard of honour, as they walked towards their wedding car (a green beetle - I was beating Dindin 1:0!).

Everybody else went up to James's parents' house for the wedding breakfast, but there was no room in the marquee for us divers, so we went to the pub instead. Emily, Becky, Zoe, and Gordy all drove their cars to the parking field, and Nick kindly drove them all back to the pub. It was a nice pub - totty waitresses, good food, a condom machine with England condoms (stand up straight, boys!) and a vibrator, Becky, Tania, and Sam posing for pictures on the kiddies' playground, and Gordy swearing in a loud voice in front of children.

There were enough people who still had cars for most of us to drive up to the reception (except for Dindin, Gordy, and Rodders, who still had beer to finish off). The reception was brilliant, but my memory of what went on is a little hazy!

Stuby HolderUmbrella drinkingDancing

When everybody had left, we all walked down to the cars, and collected our bags. Becky was feeling a little bit unsteady on her feet, so I gave her my arm. On the way back from the cars, Tania was feeling a bit unsteady as well, so I gave her my other arm. This worked quite well, since I was feeling a bit unsteady as well! Dindin had this brilliant drunk idea of pitching his tent in the field, but soon decided that sleeping in the marquee was a better idea. We helped the bar staff clear up (the quicker they cleared up, the quicker we'd be able to sleep), but Rodders should have stayed away, because he managed to spill a whole bottle of red wine! Actually, I shouldn't give Rodders too much jip - he did help blow up my airbed for me (after I'd been trying to pump it up using the pump's deflate hole, instead of its inflate hole!).


I'd had a brilliant night's kip, but I was possibly the only one. Both Sam and Becky had spent a lot of the night throwing up, and Dindin had been a gent, and got up to give them moral support. All the movement kept everybody else awake, but it didn't wake me! I was up and dressed fairly early, but I couldn't pack, because Sam had moved onto my airbed! James's mum came in, and said that James had been on the phone, and he'd ask her to go into the marquee, and shout "tea". He'd also warned her that there might be a bloke walking around in his pants. I didn't know who he could have been talking about, but I went into the kitchen to help her with the tea. We even got a bit of biskweet action for good measure. Chatting to James's mum, she said that she had wanted to arrange the snorkel guard of honour, but didn't know how to contact anybody in the dive club without asking Mel or James.

We had to pack up our things fairly quickly, because people would be arriving for the BBQ. We bumped into Rob and Sarah as we were walking down to the cars - she was wearing a much more revealing top than she was yesterday! Mel's mum had got a bit lost finding Tesco, so the BBQ was a little late starting, but nobody seemed to mind. I'm not sure at what point I sobered up, but it was a pleasant morning. We sat around discussing the state of the world. I can't really remember what we discussed, but Rob was feeding Sarah various sweets. I'll never forget what she said - "I'm easy, I'll take anything!". I was desperately trying not to laugh, and apparently my face was a picture! The lads had done an excellent job with the BBQ - all food was ready, and cooked all the way through, despite them having to cook for loads of people.

After eating, James and Mel opened their present. Zoe had collected pictures from the Stag and Hen weekends, and made a montage out of them. She'd done a brilliant job, and Mel and James looked pleased.

Chas and Dave from AmazonUnsurprisingly, we hit loads of traffic on the way back as well. I really wasn't much company for Zoe at all, since I kept on falling asleep. I bought a Chas & Dave CD on the way back, but, understandably, Zoe didn't want me to play it! Unfortunately, there was no army hunk for her to perve at on the way back.

Zoe dropped me off at Guildford station, just in time to catch the 18:30 train, which actually left a minute late. My planned journey was:

18:30 - Leave Guildford.
19:15 - Arrive at Reading.
19:18 - Leave Reading.
19:45 - Arrive at Langley.

The 19:18 from Reading left on time, but the Guildford train didn't arrive until 19:20. Gimmeration - trains to Langley run hourly on a Sunday. Fortunately, there was a fast train to Slough, which was running a bit late, and left at about 19:25. This would get to Slough before the slow Langley train, and I could change trains there. What could go wrong? Well, some idiot jumped in front of a train at Maidenhead. This stopped the train that I was in from running, but didn't stop the Langley train that I'd missed, which continued running on time. I eventually got to Slough at about 20:20. Not knowing when the next Langley train would actually arrive, I caught the bus home. I wasn't worried about the 80p bus fare, because I knew I'd be asking for compensation from FGW Link, because I would have arrived on time, had the Guilford - Reading train not been late.

I don't really want to end this trip report with a whinge. I had a really nice time, Mel and James looked really happy, Mel looked gorgeous, and I met lots of nice people. Thanks to everybody who made it such a brilliant weekend.

Update (11/09/06):
I've just remembered two things:


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Created on: 03 Aug 2006. Modified on: 11 Sep 2006.
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