Totty Roads

Scapa 2005

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Those of us on our annual scuba diving trip are:
Dave (aka Rodney)

Thursday 25th
Rob kindly offered to give me a lift to Bath - top man. He got caught in a bit of traffic, so we arrived in Bath a little bit late. Before being able to start on the beer and curry, we had to meet up with Vowles to load our kit into the minibus, and leave Rob's car up at the University. Becky turned up at the same time, so I got some perving in.

We went to the Rajpoot, because it was the closest. As usual, the food was excellent. Having only had two pints, I persuaded everybody that we needed a bit of Huntsman action. A few beers, and a few wasted quids in Slap Tarrant, we headed back to Flat9. On the way back, I remembered that it was now my birthday. Bird had given me a card and present to bring with me.

Friday 26th - Billy's birthday
Dindin had to get up at 04:30, because we had to go to the Post Office to pick up a bit of glass. Vowles was picking us up at 06:30 (it would have been 06:20, but Scrote had left something up at the University). I was making tea at about six, when Dindin woke up! Because of his gimmering, we left quite late. I sat at the back, so that I could annoy Scrote. Becky sat next to me - way hay "Billy got a Totty Drive".

Vowles pulled over at a service station (accompanied by shouts of "TEA" from Dindin and me). After lots of arguments about where to eat and drink, we eventually joined a queue. It was a nice break (especially with the enormous breasts that walked out as we walked in).

Gordy took over the driving after that. Apart from a few hairy moments when he lost his lane discipline while groping Emma's fun-bags, it a safe journey. He pulled into a petrol station, so Dindin and I made a break for the Little Chef. We were joined by everybody else (except Gordy). Emma gave me a birthday present (a Scottish hat, which would let me join GingerCherry, and some under-kilt fudge action.

I walked out of the Little Chef, and couldn't see the minibus. However, I heard lots of loud hooting of horns, so just followed my ears. Rob was driving, and being hassled by a big lorry driver. I jumped in, and off he went. Gordy complained that if he'd known that we were going to have tea, he would have parked. Stupid ginger tosser, what did he expect? For us not to drink tea?

Unfortunately, Vowles was sitting in the front seat, and started navigating. He took us along narrow windy roads with lots of hump-backed bridges. Strangely enough, we had to stop soon, so that Becky could throw-up.

We found a petrol station near Inverness to get some fuel. Gordy said "I'll be impressed if you manage to get some tea here". Having seen two signs that said "Cafe", I thought that it would be quite easy. I also found a mooing highland cow for Emma.

Gordy took over the driving again, and (after some very scary overtaking maneouvers), we arrived in Thurso. Few beers, then a Chinese, then more beers. There was a fair bit of totty in the pub, but there were also lots of scary blokes, so I didn't use TottyCam. It was Rodney, Rob, Vowles, and Dindin that I managed to lead astray.

Saturday 27th - The Journey to the Islands
After lots of tea and toast action, and a bit of shopping, we ended up at the port. Unfortunately, Vowles was driving, so it was down to him to communicate with the locals. We just about got all the kit into the two trailers, and went for more tea and bacon baps. Half way through our tea, Max realised that the bus that was leaving was the last bus. Leaving our half-drunk teas, we ran to the bus. Some guys got on, but the rest of us gimmered around. Eventually, the bus driver said that he'd come back for us. I got to drink Dindin's tea.

It was a fairly calm, non-eventful journey (except for the MILF in the bar). We found Douggie's boat, made ourselves at home, and unloaded the dive-kit. Douggie turned up a bit later, not realising that the ferry had changed its times for the day.

James and I had to check our our potential business venture. Scapa Scuba seemed up to its usual standard, but I didn't actually need to buy anything. Vowles, Rob, and I went for a sneaky pint before dinner.

James and Mel kindly cooked bangers and mash, although they did throw away my birthday fudge box. Still, it was a very nice meal. Dindin and I went to walk it off after dinner, but ended up in the pub. Ohters joined us later, and a few of us (Becky, Dindin, Rodney, Vowles, and me) went for a bit of kareoke action. Only I same ("Blue Suede Shoes" and "American Pie"). Becky got groped, and Vowles failed to save her. Rodney got chatted up - "I want to go back to the boat. I don't want to be chatted up by a bloke!".

[22/10/05: continued writing up. I had some free time, because Gordy and Emma had, on the Wednesday before, decided not to go diving this weekend - gimmers]

Sunday 28th - First Day's Diving
Woken up, usual, by the sound of the boat's engines, we got straight onto the tea and toast that Bruce had well guvened us. Our first dive was going to be the Koln. Those of us who'd been before were looking forward to it - it's a really big boat, even by Scapa standards. I was diving with Dindin (as I would be for the whole week). We followed Rob and Vowles for a bit, but managed to lose them eventually. Dindin seemed to have a strange idea that just because a hole was smaller than my twin-set, meant that I shouldn't try to get through it. "His Daddy training complete is not. Full Daddy not yet you are".

Dindin said that he wouldn't be diving the second dive. I enquired why not. He said that he had a headache. Concerned, I asked whether we should be worried. "No", he said, "I had too much beer last night, and the last dive didn't get rid of my headache". I didn't think that we'd had too much beer (5 pints), but Dindin then admitted to having had 6 bottles of Stella before going out. Gimmeration - I'd been diving with a drunk.

Anyway, it was OK, because Becky suggested that I join her for a totty dive. Top lass. Unfortunately, I didn't have her to myself, because he planned buddy (Dave) was still up for diving. What a cheeky, he wasn't doing a very good job of making us tea, and he wouldn't let me have my own personal totty dive. I had words, but to no avail. It was a good dive. Not wanting to go too long into deco, I surfaced early. Dave and Becky joined me. Back on the boat, Emma told me off for leading people astray by going into deco on a second dive.

Back on dry land, I took my suit to Scapa Scuba to get the leak fixed. Also, James and I had to check out our potential purchase! The totty who was pregnant when we visited last year was a lot slimmer. Unfortunately, there was a pokey little kid getting in the way. While we were there, Dindin bought a spool real to try out. I didn't understand why he didn't just borrow mine to check it out, but I'm sure it made sense to him.

In the pub, Gordy went off onto his "VR3s bend people, but Suuntos don't" rant. He does have some valid points, unfortunately, he ignores that fact that his one example is of a diver who was seriously dehydrated, and I had been bent while using a Suunto.

Monday 29th
Click to buy from Amazon We woke up, to find out that it was far too windy to dive, so we had a day off. Scapa Scuba had kindly dropped my suit of during the night. Max wanted to watch my birthday present DVD (The Life Aquatic). I really couldn't cope with watching TV at 10am, so had to tell her no. Instead, we went off to look at some mound. The bus dropped us off, and we went into the reception centre. We were told that it was too windy to visit the mound, so we had to wait for the bus back. To windy to visit a mound - what a bunch of gimmers. Anyway, as some of the guys were trying to fly, I started trying to hitch a lift back. After a while, a nice lady stopped. I got in, and Gordy jumped into the back of the car at the same time, telling Emma that there was no more space, and shutting the door on her. What a dodgy guvna - I can't imagine the moaning if it had been the other way around. We had a nice journey back into town, and then went back to the boat to wait for the others.

Later on, Emma and I went for a walk, leaving Gordy and Dindin to make their kites. We got to Emily's "no, you hang up" hill, and a bit further. Emma kept on thinking that she could hear Douggie, but I had to point out that everybody in the Orkneys spoke with a Scottish accent. We had a quick bit of haggis action, before joining the guvnas on the boat.

As usual, the day ended in the pub. We perved at the totty in our favourite pub, but went to one of the others for a few games of pool. Although I'm no good at playing, I had to keep on correcting everybody else's knowledge of the rules of pool. Got chatting to a bird by the Juke Box, but I don't think she was on the pull. She doesn't know what she could have missed out on (toot toot!). Still, she had 3 dives to do the next day.

Tuesday 30th
We got to dive the Brummer today, and my suit was on the deck, ready for me. It hadn't been fixed, because the guvna couldn't find a leak - I'll have to get the seals replaced then. Dindin still wouldn't let me try to get through small holes, but he found a bigger one, and off we went - reeling out as we went along. "Proper Daddy of you we will make. Feel the force can I". Twenty minutes later, we got out of the wreck. I was beginning to develop a Dickson standard of calculating Jesus stops. This dive, we used one minute per pint plus one.

The second dive was the Tabarca. As usual, it didn't fail to impress (although it will never be as good as the first time). We took the piss out of Gordy (question mark sign), I kicked a few divers who got in my way, and Dave managed to jam the SMB reel that I'd lent him. Gordy and Emma had hoped to blag a free ride with him, but had to put one up themselves when mine jammed.

After taking back my suit for reguvenning, we went back to the pub. There was a table full of totty, but I must have been tired because I couldn't be bothered with any tottycam action. Some of the girls had started knitting (following Mel's lead), and they'd even brought the knitting to the pub. Gimmeration! After a few beers, we ended up having a long conversation about 3rd party diving insurance. I think we need to get out more!

Wednesday 31st
We were up for a bit of Prince Billy action today. Vowles kicked me in the face as we were going down the shot, so I had to follow him for a bit, making rude hand signals behind his back. Wherever we went,we could never get away from other divers. There was torch light all over the place. After a while, I began to feel a bit strange, so cut the dive short. Some of the guys went snorkelling with seals, but I stayed on the boat and drank tea, while waiting for Bruce's stew.

I didn't do the second dive, because my ribs were giving me jip. Dindin dived with Gordy and Emma. He got to try out his new reel. His conclusion was that it was quite fiddly. The gimmer - I could have told him that! It was the Gobanna Guvan. If I'd remembered the previous time I'd dived it, then I would have ignored the pain in my ribs. It's a wreck with loads and loads of swim-throughs. Dindin had a good guven with Gordy, while Emma swam outside the wreck acting as a stage mule.

Gordy was upset in the pub, because we'd left him on the boat (he hadn't heard me say "We'll see you there". More totty in the pub. There was a bird in a red top with enormous boobs (a mate of the JukeBox bird from the other night, but there was no sign of the JukeBox bird). There was also another gorgeous bit of totty sat on the table next to us, talking to a bunch of old gimmers. I decided that making a move on her would be considered rude!

Back on the boat, Dindin, Rob, and I sellotaped a bit of black paper over the infra-red port on MarkV's laptop. Oh how we laughed. I also Ericed my stage, and found that I had a good 52% fill.

Thursday 1st September
Putting my kit together, I realised that although I had 52% in the stage cylinder, there was only 10 bar in it. What a gimmer, I'd forgotten to check the pressure! Another go on the Price Billy, but, without stages, we had to do a long deco stop. Rob waived his tea mug at us, while we were bobbing around in the water, so I got my own back by mooning him later. We pulled up alongside a tidal generator, that needed some compressed air. There was totty doing all the clever bits on board. Max reckoned that she looked like Cat, but I don't think she had nice enough norks. Some of the guvnas went to the museum, but I couldn't be bothered. There were quite a few boats moored up, and the skippers were heard to be comparing totty that they'd got on board. The bird with big boobs, no bra, and a woolly top with holes in it sounded good to me!

Our second dive was the Dresden. It was a top guven. I found a swim-through straight away, but had to wait for Dindin to gimmer with the settings on his VR3. We got in eventually, but didn't go all the way. Later on in the dive, I found another pitch-black swim-through. Ignoring the fact that we had 10 minutes of stops already, I clipped on a real, and off we went. Just after I'd finishing clipping on the real, I saw light at the end of the tunnel. Fool!

We moored somewhere different tonight. We were booked in for a meal, but the gimmers had double-booked, so we had to eat in the bar. Still, the food was good, and there was a pool table. Everybody else, except Dindin and me, had left, so we drank beer, and perved at the totty at the bar. Rob joined us later, at which point, the totty walked out!

Mark hadn't managed to get an Orange signal, so hadn't tried using his laptop's infra-red port.

Friday 2nd September
We were diving the James Barry. Just as I finished kitting up, I realised that I'd left my torch in the dry-suit area. I tried to squeeze through the door, but couldn't make it. I didn't fancy relying on back-up torches (Dindin's newly made torch wasn't up for the dive either), so we took Scary's torch back off Rob, and in we went. There were loads of gimmers taking the descent slowly, so we had lots of overtaking to do. Despite only having one decent torch between us, we did quite a few swim throughs. We used my almost-finalised method of Jesus-stop calculation, all that I had to do was to figure out what to do with deep stops. The almost-finalised method is:

For example, if we'd had 5 pints the night before, and the computers wanted us to do 2 minutes at 9m, 5 minutes at 6m, and 10 minutes at 4.5, then we would actually do:

Naturally, we wouldn't dream of drinking 5 pints the night before going diving, I was just using it as an example.

After being disappointed that Mark's laptop had worked through the black bit of paper, we jumped in for our final dive of the trip - the Karlsruhe. It was a good guven, but both Dindin and I were only up for a quicky (ooh-err). We were the first ones back on the boat - which worried Bruce, because it was unheard of. The problem was, there was nobody to help us un-kit, so we just sat down and waited. Becky was the next person on the boat, who took my fins off before taking off any of her kit. She's a top lass.

Back on dry land, it was time to load up the crates, before going off to drink loads of beer. Food was good, and the pub was busy. Dindin had been without money for a few days, so I had to pay for all his beer. For a change of scenery, we went to the other pub for a bit of pool action. It was obviously where the locals spent their Friday nights, because it was full of local totty, and the local lads. We put money on who could guess the song on the Juke Box first, and Gordy and Emma cleaned up. I stopped playing after a while.

Back on the boat, we put some silver foil between the bit of black paper and the infra-red port, while Gordy did a few rows of knitting for Emma.

Saturday 3rd September - the journey back down
Nobody was too hungover, and nobody had thrown up. Gordy, however, had completely messed up Emma's knitting, so she wasn't very happy. Still Gordy managed to turn things around, and started sulking because she was being nasty to him.

I don't remember much about the journey down, but I do remember having to buy Dindin lots of food and tea, and him making himself a little foot holder to keep himself comfortable. I bought a few more magazines to keep me entertained on the journey down. Thanks to everybody who drove. I asked Mark about his laptop, but the battery doesn't work, so he couldn't use it in the minbus. Oh well, it'll have to wait!

Back in Bath, we unloaded kit, and said our goodbyes. Rob, who was also staying at Dindin's, didn't fancy a curry, so Dindin, Sam, and I headed of for one. As we walked past Laura Place fountain, we all heard a very faint scream. We couldn't ignore it, but nor could we figure out where it was coming from. We heard it again, still too faint to figure out where she was, so I called the police. As I was on the phone to the police, it was much louder, and we could figure out that it was coming from outside Dindin's gaff. As we got there, we saw a woman who seemed to have hurt her leg, screaming loudly. As we got close, a police car pulled up, so I stopped talking to the police bird on the phone, and we went for our curry.

Being sober at midnight on a Saturday night in a curry house was a strange experience. There were three blokes who had had far too much to drink, and managed to break quite a few glasses. They started urguing with the waiter about the strength of the curry, and "squaring up to him". A few minutes later, the police walked in. The bloke then started "squaring up" to the police. When the waiter accused him of being racist, he was arrested. I can't quite remember, but I think that Sam said that truncheons and CS spray were used outside. We finished our curry, and managed to walk back to Dindin's gaff without any police action.

Sunday 4th September
After some nice pasties (the bird serving had a very sexy bra on), Rob and I headed off down the M4. It was a nice sunny day, and there was loads of totty on the motorway (another report needs to be filed for TottyRoads).

Another top Scapa trip.


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Created on: 22 Oct 2005. Modified on: 22 Oct 2005.
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