Red Sea - June 2005
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[Written on a train journey from Doncaster to Langley] - Still waiting for final spelling and grammar checking.

It all started in the middle of 2004 in the Foxhound, when Gordy and Emma started discussing a trip with Undersea Adventures in Cornwall to the Red Sea. It seemed like a good idea, all we had to do was to find 16 people who wanted to go, so we drew up a short-list.

Just before they were due to go to Nepal for three weeks, Gordy and Emma asked me to "take over the reigns" of organsing the trip while they were away. I collected all the deposits, booked the holiday, and booked the flights. Unfortunately, I forgot to hand the organisation back to Gordy and Emma when they got back.

At around Easter, I started getting concerned about the lack of any replies from Shelly at Undersea Adventures in Egypt. Emma suggested that I e-mailed Mike at Undersea Adventures in Cornwall, so I did. He said that he would find out what was going on, and get back to us.

During our pre-Easter weekend trip, Emma and I popped in to see Mike. He said that Shelly had left the company, and that things were a little bit "up in the air". He assured me that our money was safe, and that they would be honouring all bookings.

After another visit to Mike at Easter, and several e-mails, we eventually started getting replies from Hisham at Undersea in Egypt. Mike had claimed that he had no financial connection with Hisham, so had no control over our trip. The websites seemed to indicate differently, but we had to believe him.

Two cancellations (JonH and Zoe), two changed minds (Beedge and Arisiti), two new-comers (Dindin and Vowles), and a few hundred e-mails later, we were ready to go. Those on the trip were:
Ian Collins

Thursday 9th June
Ian Collins, Scary, and Dindin arrived at my place, closely followed by MarkV. We headed off to the Toby for a few Stellas while we were waiting for Emily. She arrived, so we headed off the the India for a bit of Matter Panneer action. In the pub afterwards, all 6 of us called Cherryboy at the same time, and sang to him - we didn't want him to feel left out! Dindin wrote a loving text message to Sam, but sent it to Zoe by mistake - McFly!

[Just been joined by some hen party totty, but they're too scary for me]

We got back to my place. Scary, Ian, Dindin, and Emily all found places in my living room, so I had to share with Vowlesy. I quick check of my e-mail before I went to bed found an e-mail from Cherryboy suggesting that I found some more mature friends!

Friday 10th June
An early start got us to Gatwick before some gimmer had an accidentg and closed the M25 anti-clockwise. We parked at the long-stay parking, and got onto the bus to the airport. After twatting some bloke on the head with my crate, and making loads of noise while emptying my pony, we got to the airport.

I left everybody in the check-in queue, with my stuff, and Rich and I went off to get the tickets. We found the right counter, and picked up the tickets. Counting them on the way back to the check-in queue, there were only 15 tickets. It looked as if Vowles was susidising our trip to Egypt (oh how Rich and I laughed). We got Vowles's ticket, and then proceeded to try to check-in.

If the speed of the check-in was to be a taste of things to come, then we were going to have a nightmare holiday. The woman seemed to take forever. Anyway, we got through OK, and sat down to enjoy a Full English breakfast and a Stella. After the shock of the cost of sunglasses, I had to have a few more Stellas.

We all got seats quite close to each other, so thought that we were going to have a good flight. Scary and I were sat together, the air hostesses were friendly and sexy, and I had no money, so Scary had to pay for all the beer - result!

I can't remember much more about the flight, except Scary and me hitting everybody with the pillows, Emma referring to the air hostesses as "beer ladies", and Gordy and Prof drinking too much Jack Daniels ("More Jack").

We managed to get a drunk American through customs without incident, and went through to get our luggage. Scary and I went off to get some beer. Having been there before, Scary seemed to know where he was going, so I followed him out of the airport to the duty free shop. We didn't like the prices, so I suggested going to the inside shop. He hadn't seen that one! We tried to get back in, but the customs guvnas weren't having any of it. We had to go to a different door, get scanned again, and get our passports taken away, before we could re-join the others. Gimmeration!

[The hen party totty has left, to be replaced by sexy posh totty in a nice sext red top - too good for me to chat up!]

Anyway, with several trollies loaded up with beer and a bit of dive-kit, we went outside to meet Hisham. He seemed like a nice bloke, and escorted us to the bus. Everybody got on the bus, and it was down to Prof and me (the two most drunk of the lot) to help get stuff onto the roofrack. We had to wait for ages while Hisham sorted out Prof's rebreather cylinders (which we had pre-ordered), but got on the bus for the 4-hour journey to the boat (time for more beer).

When we got to the boat, I was amased. There were soft drinks waiting for us, guvnas to unload the bus, and load the boat, and more space that we could shake a donkey's dick at. Now we were on the boat, my worrying was over, and my holiday could start.

Muhammed gave us a quick briefing, but delayed most of it until we were sober and awake. Everybody signed the form, which included a part that said that we wouldn't do deco diving, and would go no deeper than 30m. I was the only one who crossed those two bits out before signing it.

Saturday 11th
I woke up feeling a little hungover, and was concerned to find that we were expected to do two dives before I got any eggs. I manged to persuade him that 1 dive before breakfast was a better idea.

Team Billy (Scary, Ian C, Dindin, Rich, Chris, Judi, Vowles, and me) were to go in first, with Mohammed. Stood on the back of the boat, ready to go in, there was even a guvna to put my fins on. Being unable to spit into my mask, I realised that I was going to have to drink loads of water to make sure that there was no repeat visit to Capital Hyperbarics (who had written to me, to tell me its new address!).

Anyway, the diving was excellent. Warm water (25 degrees) and loads of fish. I can't remember why, but we only got two dives in this day. I was too overweighted on the first dive, so lost a bit for the second dive. We'd been told a maximum depth of 25m for the first dive, so I was a good boy, limiting myself to 29m.

With all the hard work, and hot weather, we didn't get through much beer during the evening, preferring to stick to water and pop. The food on the boat was excellent - a good selection (including eggs for breakfast) and plenty of it. Don't forget the pre-dive biskweet action. I made sure that I drank plenty of water.

Sunday 12th - Queenie's birthday
We travelled through the night (some of the boys slept on the deck, including Scary, so I had "Palace of the Guvnas" to myself), and arrived at the dive site at 6am. I was awoken by Mohammed hammering on my door at 6:30 shouting "Billy! Briefing" - I quickly put some kecks on, and joined the others.

He'd drawn another picture of the dive site, but, to my untrained eyes, it looked the same as all the others. We were given a maximum depth of 35m, but I can't remember much else about the briefing. Some people were feeling seasick (the waves made Cat's tits look tiny), but, despite the lack of eggs, I was up for it. I stuck to my depth limit of 40m on the first dive. We surfaced to find out that the deco cylinder had fallen off the rope, and was lost forever.

During the second dive, Mohammed and S???? saw the deco cylinder at 61m, so went off to get it. I was up for following them, but didn't want to go deeper than my first dive, so stopped at a "sensible" 36m. I got to carry the deco cylinder towards the end of the dive, so was able to stay down longer by supping it. Mohammed didn't trust me to take it back on the boat, so took it back right at the end.

At the end of the third dive, the two dive guvnas headed back to the boat early, and everybody followed them. Everybody, that is, except Scary and me. We knew better, so headed off round the pinacle again, only to be told off when we got back on the boat.

The forth dive of the day was a dusk dive, before which, I was in the water minutes before anybody else was ready, and during which Scary stopped to take his kit off, and put it on again - tosser (he prefers the expression "competant tosser").

Monday 13th
As usual, I was woken up with Mohammad's "Billy! Briefing!" call to arms. Like most of the dives, there was a drop-off to deeper than we wanted to go. I was a good boy on this dive, limiting myself to less than 50m. There was some totty swimming beneath us for some of the dive, so I forgot about the fish for a while, and almost missed the white-tipped guvna!

We were given a maximum depth of 30m, for the next dive. When my vision went blurred at 35m, I decided that it was time to go up to 30m! No totty on this dive, but we had the swim like mad against the current at 30m (had to discuss that with Mohamed later). Back on the boat, we saw dolphins on the way to the next dive. The water was still very choppy, and I'll never forget Queenie tryig to give the empty cups to one of the boat guvnas. The guvna was standing still, just watching Queenie run side to side.

Mohammed said that deeper than 20m wasn't possible on this dive. Once I was how pretty all the coral was, I lost all interest in proving him wrong. It was a wonderful dive, only slightly ruined by a kraut with a massive video camera.

Some people were beginning to get the squits, but my gut was still holding out.

Tuesday 14th
I was up for a bit of deep action on this dive. Scary had been going to join me, but was using a top-up of yesterday's Nitrox, so had 27% in his tank. Dindin, IanC, and I had air. IanC said that he would definitely not be going deeper than 50m, and Dindin agreed. Anyway, we jumped in off the Zodiac, and I headed off down. I started to ascend at 58.2m, when Mohammed started frantically telling me to ascend. I looked around, to see that Dindin and IanC weren't far behind me - so much for "no deeper than 50m"! Chris kept a close eye on me during the shallower part of the dive, she's a top lass. Back on the boat, I went straight into the dining room for some emergency egg rations.

The second dive of the day was another scenic coral dive (I dived with Tom, Queenie, Dindin, Emma and Scary). Not having used my camera during the holiday, I took the casing in to check it for leaks. I pretended to take loads of pictures, and even got some people to pose for some. It took Tom 40 minutes before he realised that it was an empty case. We did a bit of "Show me the way...." action, and Queenie and Emma towed me for a bit, when I got tired.

The third dive of the day, was my first totty dive of the holiday. I was diving with Emily. We had a giggle, took loads of pictures, and I didn't harass too much wildlife. A fairly well behaved dive.

Wednesday 15th
Mohammed had made me promise to stick to the depth limits today, I promise that I intended to keep. It was the only dive that I've done, where I've put my dive computer up above my head, instead of down a hole!

I'd had a few days of solid dumps, which had concerned me, but after today's aggs and tea, my guts were back to normal.

The second dive was bloody knackering, but a good guven. I took loads of pictures, and Scary even let me take some with his super-expensive camera.

After the second dive, I realised that my guts were making up for lost time - I had the squits big-time! I was going to wimp out of the third dive, but Mohammed told me that there would be a wreck. Going way from a toilet for more than an hour was risky, but I couldn't miss out on a wreck. It wasn't the best wreck in the world, but I enjoyed the dive.

[Changed at Birmingham New Street - the posh totty is on the train somewhere, but I'm not sure where. There's some nice totty sat not far away, she keeps smiling at me, but she's too young!].

Thursday 16th
Feeling a bit rough this morning, I missed out on the first dive. Still, it gave me time to preve at the totty on some of the other dive boats (Queenie had pointed out lots of bikinis hanging up, so I kept my eyes open for some naked totty).

Still feeling a bit rough, I joined in the second dive. I'm so glad that I did. We saw so much life. White tipped guvnas, loads of fish, plenty of Keitch fish, and loads more stuff. I even forgot about the squits for a while.

Back on the boat, I decided that the previous dive would make an excellent end to the holiday. There was another dive to come, but I needed to drink loads of water. Everybody else (except Ian Collins) went in. Gordy was shocked to see me miss out on one dive in a day, let alone two. Emma came out, and didn't stop talking - she had seen a turtle and it had made her holiday. I love happy totty!

Despite not diving the next day, we still didn't drink loads of beer, we just weren't in the mood for two much (and the cheap Orangeboom that we had bought really was grim). The guvnas did bring out the big smoking guvna, but I only had the one puff before coughing like a guvna. IanC and I kept our eyes open for the complementary hookers, but didn't see any.

Friday 17th
Our last day in Egypt was a sad one. We packed up ready to be collected by the coach, only to find out that the coach had gone to the wrong port. We considered that to be a result, because we had more time on the boat. We were shocked to see how many crates of Orangiboom were left - we didn't realise we'd even bought that many. While loading up the bus, I tried to sell the Orangiboom to people getting on boats, but I wasn't succesful. In the end, we gave it all away to a group of Brits, led by a sexy German dive guide (not quite up to Silka's standards, but not far off).

At the hotel where Undersea is based, we had enough time to perve at totty on the beach, and have a quick bite to eat (Queenie's honesty was right, and we offered to pay at the all-inclusive resort), before heading off to the airport. The guvna took me into his office for a quick word when we got to the hotel. He just wanted to check that the trip had gone OK, but Scary came with me for moral support. Moral support, my arse. I hardly got a word in edgeways!

After a far more efficient check-in, we set-up camp outside the duty-free shop, and drank loads of decent beer. There were a few shops, plenty of opportunities for tottycam to be used, and even time for Judi to get me a picture for entry into RateMyMullet!

As we went to the departure gate, we were delighted to see that there was an empty kiddies' train for 1 euro a ride. I slipped the guvna 5 euro, and he let two drunk guvnas go on. The Dickson Love Train rides again (toot-toot).

[The totty's just got off at Lemington Spa, to be replaced by French pokiness - booh]

No hassles at Gatwick, IanC and Vowlesy had left us to collect their luggage, and were waiting outside for us. Off we went to my gaff.

[The French MILF is a bit of alright]

I feel asleep in the back of Mark's motor, and was woken up a bit later by Scary calling. "Where are you?", he said. I asked Mark, only to be told "Just past the M40, I missed the M4 turning". What a gimmer. Anyway, we got to my gaff eventually, and everybody headed off to Bath, except Emily, who stayed at mine.

Saturday 18th

The next morning, we dropped my cylinders off at Slough Scuba, did some shopping at Tesco, before getting back home in time to meet Rob, who was bringing Zoe and her two mates.

Emily, Zoe, and Rob hit the Southern Comfort straight away, and were pissed before we even got to the pub. After a few drinks in the Harvester, we went into Slough for a curry.

Back at mine, we had a bit of DVD and internet action, before calling it a night.

Thanks everybody for a great holiday.

26/06/05: Emily just reminded me of another Drunken Prof saying - "Bite your tongue, girl!"


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Created on: 20 Jun 2005. Modified on: 26 Jun 2005.
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