Totty Roads

Easter 2005
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Wednesday 23rd

During the day, one of the girls from National Car Rental called me up, to find out whether I could drive an automatic. Despite the problems that I had in Florida in 2003, I said that I could. Later on that day, I picked up a nice blue Volvo Estate, and drove to Bath. I can't remember what we did that evening, but I think that it was the evening that Scary, Dindin, and I had curry with Sam and Jo. Jo has fantastic norks, that even manage to meet the CAT standard. Scary was smitten.

Thursday 24th

Scary, Dindin, and I were going to go diving with Dave and Danny for a day, before joining the rest of the club in Uncle Tom's Caravan Park. A few months before hand, there had been a vote on whether to go to Haven, or Uncle Tom's. The vote went 50:50, so Scary called me up to give me the casting vote. I voted for Haven. I'm not quite sure how democracy lost, and we ended up in Uncle Tom's Caravan Park, but never mind.

When we woke up, I called Danny to find out what the weather was like. He said that it was pants, but, since we were heading down to Cornwall anyway, I said we'd pop in.

On the way down, we had to post a cheque off to the bloke who was organising MarkE's Stag Do in Cardiff. We couldn't find any envelopes in Exeter Services, so asked the totty behind the counter, and she said the only envelopes that they had were those that came with cards. She explained to Scary where the cards were, and I said "Oh, I know. By the porno mags", and walked over to the back of the shops, leaving Scary to smile at the blushing stop assistant. We then got served at Burger King by a bloke with a total Humour ByPass (even worse than most shop assistants). We continued our journey to Plymouth, with Scary complaining about having to drive a Volvo.

I had booked us into Manhattan, so that we wouldn't have to drive in the morning. Unfortunately, Dave and Danny had just opened up at Bovvy, so we still had to drive in the morning. Anyway, we turned up at Bovvy, and Dave gave us a guided tour. Garbrielle was there, as were her kids. They were quite nice kids, who really enjoyed serving us teas (they loved Scary, who kept on buying things to keep them entertained). Danny turned up, and we didn't mention anything about telephone cables (he'd torn the telephone cables out by mistake during the week, so they had no phone lines). There was definitely going to be no diving action, so Gabrielle suggested that we go and have a look around Lee. We'd never heard of it, but it seemed like a good idea.

We drove to Bovvy, to check in, and leave some stuff in the room. We had to get rid of my curry, which was starting to slowly defrost. With me driving, and Scary navigating, we drove off to Lee. It took us ages to even get out of Plymouth, let alone get anywhere near Lee. Still, I had faith in Scary's navigating. After a while, he said, "Go straight on at the next roundabout, even though the road signs will tell you to turn right". I really wasn't convinced that Scary would know better than the sign guvna, but followed his advice. Scary's route took us along a really narrow road. We ended up in a muddy farmer's drive, with Scary saying "don't worry, it's the A???. Was it chuff! I turned around, realised that the A??? had turned a 180 degree bend, and had grass growing in the middle of it. It wasn't until we arrived back at the main road again, that Scary admitted we'd gone wrong.

We eventually arrived in Lee, and had a quick walk around. To be honest, I can't remember much about the town, but it did have a fish 'n' chip shop with totty serving.

Feeling thirsty, we drove back to Manhattan., parked the car, and then went for a beer in the bar. It didn't seem very lively, so we asked for directions to a pub. The barman obliged, and we walked up the road. The first pub we came to had stopped doing food, so we went to the second. It was busy, and difficult to find a table, but we got served eventually. It was a bit smoky, so I suggested going back to Manhattan. We checked out The Mountbatten, but it looked pants, so we had a few Stellas in the Manhattan bar (with Dindin insisting that norks has a silent K), before heading to bed. When we got to the room, I was convinced that somebody had nicked our door number, until Dindin pointed out that the two vertical lines were a number 11. Gimmer! We must have had a fair bit to drink that night, because I'm sure I can remember Scary getting toothpaste all over his clothes (at least he said it was toothpaste).

Friday 25th (Good Friday)

Feeling a little bit rough from the night before, we had breakfast at Manhattan. As I was trying to find out about what totty there was going to be on the trip, Leah was mentioned. Two blokes were listening in on our conversation, and one reliably informed us that she is a lesbian (despite never having met her). I can't remember much more about our morning at Manhattan, but I can remember that we went to get the lift, Dindin said, "Let's take the stairs, the lift will take ages from the 6th floor". The doors opened immediately (it was a G and not a 6). We got to dive the JEL at 13:20, so that left plenty of tea drinking time.

After loading up the motor, we drove down to Penzance to meet up with everybody else. We were sharing a chalet with Nick, Max, and Rodney (with Gordy and Emma sleeping in our living room). Friday was going to be my turn to cook, so I started to warm up my curry. Rodney doesn't eat meat on Fridays, but said that he would take the meat out of any meat curry. He hadn't quite accounted for me cooking a Keema! When I took the curry out of the cool bag, it had defrosted perfectly. Max refused to eat it, because it hadn't been defrosted in a fridge. "I'm a doctor, I know about these things". The others followed Max's lead, except for Dindin and Scary who believed me, when I said it would be OK. Everybody else went to the chippy.

In the pub near the caravan site, we all sat around in a group, and had to introduce ourselves. I was quite impressed when Tania stood up - she was wearing a nice top - I hadn't realised what a fantastic pair she has. I commented on this, and then Emma felt the need to tell everybody what I'd said.

Saturday 26th

[No food poisoning for the curry boys]

I got a totty dive today (Billy's got a totty dive, do-da, do-da. Billy's got a totty dive, do-da-do-dah-day). I got to dive with Nic. Having used the SMB twice the previous weekend, I was trying to work out how to get out of using one this holiday. Fortunately, Max said that Nic needed to do her SMB dive. Result! Totty dive, and no SMB. We saw a starfish, and a fish. Nic had a few buoyancy problems at 3m.

After a quick break (during which Pauline said that Gordy's boyfriend skills made her appreciate her boyfriend even more!), I had another totty dive with Nic. It was a reasonable dive, except my SMB reel jammed.

I managed to fall over and hurt my ankle on the way TO the pub. I was due to dive with Nick and Scary the next day, but things didn't look promising. Still, it didn't stop me having a few beers in the pub.

Sunday 27th March (Easter Sunday)

No diving for me today, because my left knee and right hip both hurt. Looked as if I needed to lead some people astray. Scary seemed like a prime candidate. Before that, I popped into Undersea Adventures to buy some Suunto batteries for Emily and me. While I was there, the owner came out, and didn't even acknowledge that I was there, let alone tell me what the latest on the Red Sea trip was. I was not impressed. Before that, I'd popped into the other dive place (I'm going to have to remember the name of it), and it was nice to see Kat again.

Back at Penzance Harbour, the diving wasn't looking very promising, so I was asked to go and reckie Lamorna Cove. Scary and Sam didn't take much persuading to come with me, so off we went. The waves at Lamorna looked far too bad to dive, but we had a quick cuppa while we were there, just in case the weather settled down! We stopped at a chippy on the way back, to get some supplies for the others. I got my order in straight away, but about ten minutes later, I still hadn't been served. I got the lady's attention, and she really wasn't impressed when I said something like "Excuse me. I don't suppose you know anywhere around here where I can buy chips, and actually be served in a reasonable time, do you?".

Back at Penzance Harbour, we'd missed some excitement. Some gimmer had complained that our kit was in his way, so the guys moved it out of the way. He then gimmered around in his boat for ages, while complaining about us, and then picked up his customers. By the time he'd gimmered around, and loaded on his passengers, it was low water, and he got stuck! The guys had to rescue all his passengers! When we got back, we heard all the story, and I saw Maudsley in a dry-suit like mine, with Frankie written on it. Immediately, I started singing "do you remember, Frankie". He didn't look impressed "Oh, not you as well. I've had enough of Max singing that song".

That evening, we headed up to the Bucket of Blood, and had a giggle (no girl on girl snogging this year though), including several renditions of Gordy's new saying:

Would you like a pint?
No, you're a pint.
I'll pint you.
Up-yer bum.

I feel like a fried egg.
No, you're a fried egg.
I'll fry your egg.
I'll egg your fry.
Up-yer bum with crampons.

There was talk of advance usage, but I can't remember that (it was later fully explained to us while we were in the Red Sea).

Back at the chalet, Gordy flashed his meat and two veg at us while we were drinking tea. Dirty old man.

Monday 28th March (Easter Monday)

Emily left early this morning (booh), but I got another totty dive with Nic (and she used the SMB). We tried one beach, but, as soon as we got there, it was obvious that we wouldn't be launching. We ended up at the sandy beech that the guys had been diving from on the first day (with a yellow Only Fools and Horses van parked in the very sandy car park.

After my first totty dive, I was supposed to dive with Pauline. She had problems clearing her ears on the surface, so Tania (in her sexy new dry suit) said she'd join me as well. A double totty dive! Scary was not impressed - he even tried dragging them away, but I wasn't having any of it. He had his bloke dive all sorted! I persuaded Tania to use the SMB, and I remember Pauline finding loads of stuff on the dive.

That evening, we headed back to the Bucket of Blood. No sitting outside, it was too cold, but we managed to blag a table inside, and then promptly got locked in. Dindin, Scary, and I weren't diving the next day, so we carried on drinking. There was lots of talk about biology, so I was a bit lost. However, I do remember Sam talking about seeing a pube in someone's urine test. After all the biology talk, I was amused to hear Nick say "Over the last few days, I've copped more gropes off girls, than I've had off Max in the last year".

Tuesday 29th March

After I beat Scary at Worms, Dindin, Scary, and I went over to the beach to see how everyone was getting on. It too choppy to dive, so they were just heading back to the campsite. We started our long journey back up to Bath, kept entertained by Scary's new game:

What we see: What we shout:
Mini: "Mini."
Beetle The colour of the car.
VW Camper Van (with spare tyre on front) "Passion Wagon Yes"
VW Camper Van (without spare tyre on front) "Passion Wagon No"


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Created on: 18 Nov 2005. Modified on: 21 Nov 2005.
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