Totty Roads

Plymouth and Portland - May 2005
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It all started when Max e-mailed the club to see whether anybody fancied taking the club boats (or a club boat) down to Penzance to do some 20-30m diving. Mark Vowles had e-mailed me before to see whether I fancied joining Rob and him on the Monday, but I quite fancied diving for the whole weekend (although preferably deeper than 30m). Nobody else was interested in Max's trip, so she cancelled it on the Thursday. Charter diving it was.

Friday 27th May
I didn't fancy fighting my way through the Bank Holiday traffic on Friday night, so had organised to dive with Dave and Danny on Saturday afternoon. They didn't know what was on offer, but I was up for whatever it was. Watching the BBC weather forecast after the ten o'clock news, she focused in on Plymouth and said "it's not the type of weather that you'd like to take a small boat out in". Not a good start to a diving weekend.

Saturday 28th May
Waking up at 7:30 to the sound of wind outside really wasn't promising. I spoke to Dave, and he said that there's no way that they would be taking the boat out today, but that it was forecast to die down by the Sunday. I called Mark, and arranged to meet him at Brixton Campsite at about 8pm. That gave me a fair bit of gimmering time throughout the day.

When I arrived at Brixton Campsite (having taken the alternative route from the A38), it was almost full. Not many tents, but loads of cars and boats. I found a space, and put the car in the way. Mark turned up soon after, and we actually pitched the tent BEFORE going to the pub.

The pub was busy, but we managed to get a table after about 10 minutes. The barman seemed very surprised to find out that there were only two of us. I can't remember there being as much cleavage in the pub as the previous weekend, but it did close at midnight.

Sunday 29th May
I couldn't be bothered with cooking for ourselves, so Mark agreed to have breakfast at Bovy instead. We arrived just after 07:30 at about the same time as Gabrial. We helped her unlock (the main door took about 5 minutes on its own). She said that she didn't have enough food to do us a full breakfast, because she only just had enough for those people who were staying at Bovy. Being the nice lad that I am, I offered to go shopping for her.

By the time we'd got back from the Co-op, and Gabrialle had cooked us breakfast, there wasn't much kitting up time. Dave asked if we'd mind being moved onto the 12 and 3 boats, instead of the 9 and 12 boats. This was OK, because it gave us more tea drinking time. We headed back to the campsite to take the tent down, and then to QAB to get a Nitrox fill (for obvious reasons, I didn't want to go to Deep Blue). We're going back to QAB all the time now - top totty (young, but still totty!). I'd forgotten about buying my DIN-splitter, but wanted to replace the strobe/torch that had leaked the previous weekend. No working models in stock.

On the way back, we got stuck in loads of traffic and even got overtaken by an ostrich. After getting our kit together, we squeezed in another cuppa. We were diving with Sal and Tamsin again. We had persuaded them to take us to the Elk, until Sal pointed out that the trans-Atlantic yacht guvnas might get a bit annoyed. Off to the JEL it was. Yet again, I was kitted up first, and had to wait around for Mark to finish kitting up! At least we didn't almost sink the boat this time! Nothing particularly exciting happened on the dive, or the boat journey, but it was nice to see Sal and Terisa again.

The next dive was on Blue Raider. Walking down from my motor to the boat, I walked past some bikini-clad sunbathing totty. Things were looking up, but things were about to get even better. As I walked into view of Blue Raider, I noticed that there was some top totty on the boat. Way-hay! As I got closer, I realised that she was probably in her mid-teens, so not what I had hoped for from a distance! Anyway, the two divers on the boat wanted to do a bit of reef action, so that's what we did. Dave told us that East was deeper, so that's the way we went. During "The Great Sea-Cucumber Non-Ejaculation Dive", Mark found an SMB and reel. Back at Bovy, the bikini clad totty was still there, so I had a spring in my step as I walked back to the car!

We then had to head off to meet Rob Smith at Portland. Mark followed me for the first bit of the drive (he even trusted me enough to follow my alternative route back to the A38). I had to pull off for some petrol, but almost beat Mark into Dorset.

We were booked on a 7:30 boat on Monday morning. Mark and Rob had originally planned to drive down on Monday morning (nutters!). I didn't even fancy the drive from Bagwell, so I booked us into the triple room at the Royal Breakwater. The hotel didn't start serving breakfast until 07:15, but it carried on serving until 11 o'clock. My plan was to get the kit sorted by about 07:00, and then have a cuppa and egg sarnie at the AquaSplash café. After the first dive, we could have a full English at the hotel.

Rob had arrived about 10 minutes before me, so I had someone to help me squeeze into the same free space that I had parked in last weekend. After checking into the hotel, and showering, we headed off to the same pub that I'd been to with Beedge and Aristi. I was looking forward to some more perving, and I wasn't disappointed! Rob noticed the likeness with Cat straight away. After some food gimmering, we got the right food orders, and tucked in. Top food again.

On the way back from the pub, Rob pointed out a slight flaw in my plan for the morning - the AquaSplash café doesn't open until 07:30. The lack of egg sarnies worried me somewhat, as did the fact that I'd left my credit card behind the bar.

Monday 30th May
Up at 06:30, kit on the boat by 07:00. Time for tea and eggs, but nowhere to serve it. Anyway, we had Dave as a skipper for the day, so I knew we'd have a drink after our dive. He said that the wreck (the LandRail) was at least an hour away, which scuppered our plans to have a full English at the hotel. Anyway, we made good time, and started kitting up. Rob had almost got a totty dive, but she wimped out at the last minute. We were back as a 3-some. We got to the bottom of the shot, to find the anchor, but no wreck. We swam against the current for a few minutes, and got to the wreck. It was an excellent dive (massive lobster), but hard work at times, with the current.

Somehow I ended up using the SMB on the ascent, but it got caught on something and I had to ditch it. Rob took over, and we got to the surface safely. Back on the boat, we discovered that some people hadn't swum against the current, so had missed the wreck. My SMB had got caught on the shot, so we retrieved it OK. We got back to Castletown at about 11:30, and the totty at the hotel wasn't too bothered about us checking out late. Going up to the room, I found the cleaner already in there - friendly and attractive, but not the one with big boobs from the previous weekend.

We headed straight for the AquaSplash café. Sat outside was a fantastic cleavage (presumably there was a woman attached to it, but I wasn't sure). In we went, with Rob being shocked that I'd missed the totty (which, of course, I hadn't). Sat down eating out breakfast (with extra emergency egg rations), we looked out of the door, to see that the totty was flashing her knickers at us. Way-hay!

The air guvna had taken about an hour-and-a-half to fill Rob's cylinder (not with Nitrox, of course, because Rob isn't qualified to use Nitrox), but we just made it back onto the boat on time. Quite a long ride out to the Alex Van Opstal, but the sun was shining, and the sky was blue. When we got to the bottom of the shot, we found it dragging (Dave must have been having a bad day). The current was stronger than this morning, and there's no way that I was going to risk a bend swimming against it. I was going to turn in into a quick drift dive, but Mark swam off in a different direction, so Rob and I had to surface (obviously I let him use the SMB).

Only one pair had swum against the current and got to the wreck. People were getting quite annoyed having missed two wrecks in a day, but finding wrecks is always difficult, and nobody can get it right every time. Still, we got offered a refund from the second dive.

Back at AquaSplash, we found that the café had closed for the day, so we couldn't get any more caffine. Still, it was OK, because I had to go home via the pub to collect my credit card - more perving!

Back at home, I unloaded the motor just in time to have a bite to eat at the Harvester with Bird.


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Created on: 29 May 2005. Modified on: 29 May 2005.
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